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Ha-ha-haaaaaa!! I shall burn thee, puny earthlings! BURN THEEEEEEE!!
"Ha-ha-haaaaaa!! I shall burn thee, puny earthlings! BURN THEEEEEEE!!" vitacopS / iStock / Getty Images Plus

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! All the world's a candy store, he's been trick or treatin'. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler has made a startling discovery: The mayor's job is NO FUN.

A man has been sentenced to 33 years in prison for a 2011 rape thanks to a previously untested rape kit.

Former Portland Trail Blazer Kermit Washington has been sentenced to six years in prison for "spending hundreds of thousands of dollars in charity donations on vacations, shopping sprees and plastic surgery for his girlfriend." Who does this guy think he is? Scott Pruitt?

Speaking of corrupt criminals, President Trump kicked off the NATO summit in a very Trumpian way—by insulting our allies and accusing Germany of being under the thumb of Russia. OH, THAT'S RICH.

Trump continues escalating the trade war with China, slapping tariffs on such products as air conditioners, bed sheets, clothing, and televisions. Even stupid Republicans think this is stupid.

Democrats are rightly worried that Trump's Supremes pick, Brett Kavanaugh (who, by the way, once called Hillary Clinton "a bitch"), will go easy on him when the president is ultimately charged with his many, many crimes.

The lawyer for former FBI attorney Lisa Page says she won't heed a GOP subpoena to answer charges that she worked against Trump during his campaign.

Conservative Rep. Jim Jordan is in the political fight of his life after being accused of turning a blind eye to sexual abuse during his time at Ohio State.

ICE agents in California are accused of confining nine immigrant women in a hot, windowless van for hours, causing them to faint and vomit.

This will make you feel better: Failed Republican Sarah Palin was duped into appearing on Sacha Baron Cohen's new Showtime series Who is America?, and she is MAAAAAAD.

More to make you feel better: The 12 young soccer players and their coach who were trapped in an underwater cave in Thailand have been freed and are recovering nicely.

And this will make you feel better, too: "Neo-Nazi Site Daily Stormer Takes Down Pepe Images After Getting Copyright Claims From Its Creator."

In SPORTING NEWS: France defeats Belgium 1-zip to gain a spot in the World Cup finals.

Now what about this WEATHER we're having: Here comes that HOT streak, with a high of 88 today and 95 tomorrow.

And finally, this magician really confuses his dog (and me) with his disappearing act.