I, Anonymous is the column where YOU write your most secret confessions and insane rants—anonymously! Sure, it's a great way to get stuff off your chest, but it's also a way for you to become FAMOUS—anonymously.

The best rants or confessions are chosen to be featured in the print edition of the Mercury (read weekly by hundreds of thousands), and if it's especially interesting/crazy/well-written it's picked for inclusion in the I, Anonymous podcast (a monthly comedy show hosted by Portland's funniest person, Caitlin Weierhauser—join us on WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 1 for our next show) that has a potential listenership of MILLIONS! So submit your great anonymous story here!

Want to know what kind of I, Anonymous submissions are chosen for print and our podcast? Here's a classic submission from the I, Anonymous vault.

I Like the Way You Eat Sausage

To the fancy, well put together woman on the 17 bus wearing the vintage cateye glasses, red wool coat, and super awesome shoes. Why the fuck would you eat smelly sausages on the bus? When I got on, I thought somebody had shit themself. Then I saw you sitting there, eating those sausages. And once I saw they were sausages, and watched you eating them, I got hungry. Real hungry. They smelled so good. So on the way home, I bought some sausages. I got home, I cooked them, and then I ate them. Then I masturbated. Thank you for the inspiration, bus sausage lady.—Anonymous

Got a rant or confession to share with the world? SUBMIT YOURS HERE!