I'm an out (thanks partly to your encouragement) bi/pan cis male in my late twenties. My partner is a good provider and friend and we cohabitate cohabitate reasonably well. We just reached four years into our relationship. My partner is ACE and she identifies as grey-a homoromantic.

I have a high libido and I'm low-key kinky. I like to be smothered and LOVE 69 as a result. My partner being her kind of ACE doesn't have a sex drive. She says she sometimes enjoys the sex we have while at other times she feels nothing. There's little to no enthusiasm during sex to the point where I get about as much out of it as masturbating, something I do a lot. Not to mention I’m constantly fearing that this way of having sex is fucked up. I have not received oral sex in a few years, nor have I gone down on her in even longer a time, as well my favorite sex act (69) has only happened one or two times in the early days of our relaish. She is too uncomfortable to attempt it anymore.

We have communicated about our needs at length. About a month ago I told her I was considering breaking up with her because things weren't really improving sexually and I was tired of resenting her. I also admitted to contacting my ex for support, something I did about a week before we had this conversation. At this point she suggested we should have sex everyday for a month due to some advice she saw on an ACE forum. The thought being she will get more comfortable with frequent sex and then we can reach a more compromise-y rate after the month is over.

So we enact the plan on the first of what I'm sure will be the best month in recent memory. We have sex about nine times, skipping a few days in between, and then we suddenly stop having sex. There is no acknowledgment from her that the plan failed. So I have to bring it up and my cheerful and gentle reminders about "the plan" are met with silence.

Yesterday I inquired if we can have sex again and she said no. I proceeded to get irritated. Later in afternoon we had sex before work. It was vanilla and it all felt utterly detached. I'm at my wits end here and I really want to have steamy sex again, Dan. I'm tired of vanilla sex and I'm tired of my needs not being taken seriously. I also have to mention that I'm a huge cuddler and I often feel that I don't receive enough physical non-sexual attention which I have brought up numerous times to her with little to no improvement.

To make matters worse we live together and she has a better paying job so therefore pays more of the rent than I do. I live in a rapidly gentrified town that I grew up in and am afraid if I leave her I will struggle to find stability and finish school.

Sexually Tormented Dude

P.S. We've discussed open relationships and she can't do it. I'm not particularly into either, even if I was the only one getting the sexual benefits.

P.P.S. Photo enclosed, since I know you like that.


Your partner of four years is an asexual homoromantic woman with no interest in kink and you're a highly sexual bi/pan cis male with some mild kinks you'd like to act on—and despite trying, you two haven't been able to resolve the central conflict in your relationship and the obvious accommodation (opening up the relationship) is a non-starter.

Why the fuck haven't you broken up and moved out already, STD?

Oh, right: your girlfriend is a good provider (and passable friend) who pays more than half the rent—and you happen to cohabitate in a rapidly gentrifying area and, as a consequence, the rent is too damn high. So you're trapped, STD, doomed, there's no escape. Abandon hope all ye who have entered her. Because the lack of affordable housing in your area condemns to spend the rest of your life dreaming about the sex you could be having with a partner who actually enjoyed sex but you're never going to find that woman—and get smothered by here—because, again, the rent is too damn high.

Looks like your cock is just another casualty of our housing crisis.

P.S. /sarcasm. Start setting money aside, get a second job if you can, and make a plan to break up and move out. When you're ready to pull the trigger, tell her it's over right after you found a place you can afford on your own—shared housing, a group apartment, a roommate or three. Your new living situation will be a both downgrade and an adjustment, I realize, but it's unlikely to be permanent. You're young and hot (thanks for the pic) and assuming you have decent social skills, good personal hygiene, and no odious political or religious beliefs, STD, you'll probably find a new girlfriend, boyfriend, or nonbinaryfriend without much trouble. Then you can pool your resources and get a swank new place together.

P.P.S. I've never been able to wrap my head around not wanting to fuck your partner because sex isn't important to you and it's not something you desire but then not allowing your partner do this unimportant, undesirable thing with someone else. Sex is a chore? Okay, fine. Get someone else to take that chore on. If you hate mowing the lawn and someone wants to mow your lawn for free... why not let them?

The fear, of course, is that your partner will start having sex with someone else, catch feelings, and then leave you. But if leaving you is the only way your partner is ever going to have sex again, your partner is almost certainly going to leave you regardless. So to avoid the chance that you might get dumped... you're making a choice that all but guarantees you'll get dumped.

In many instances, of course, the person you won't fuck and won't let anyone else fuck opts to stay put and "do what they need to do in order to stay married and stay sane," as I like to put it, aka "cheat." Which means the risk of feelings getting caught and you getting left remain precisely the same.

P.P.P.S. There's nothing all that kinky about 69ing. If it involves a little smothering, okay, that's a little kinky. But even with a little smothering, 69ing is pretty vanilla—and, IMO, overrated.

P.P.P.P.S. I did like that picture.

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