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Hi, Im Michael Cohen, and Im here to spill all the tea.
"Hi, I'm Michael Cohen, and I'm here to spill all the tea." Spencer Platt / Getty

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Tell me love isn't true, it's just something that we do. Tell me everything I'm not, but please don't tell me to stop. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

DID YOU FEEL THAT? A magnitude 6.3 earthquake hit off the coast of Oregon last night at roughly 1:30 am. No injuries or damage was reported, except to my low-grade anxiety about earthquakes.

DO YOU SMELL THAT? The stinky, pervasive smoke that won't seem to go away may be going away tomorrow according to the National Weather Service.

A senator from Louisiana has called for Mayor Ted Wheeler to resign because of the the way he handled Occupy ICE. (Remind me... what's a "Louisiana"?)

Congratulations, Oregon: You have the fewest sex offenders per capita.

An In-N-Out Burger is reportedly setting up shop only 45 minutes outside of Portland. GUYS. IT'S REALLY NOT ALL THAT GREAT. Now if a Steak 'n Shake was setting up shop here, that would be cause for celebration.

Donald J. Trump had a terrible, awful, no-good day yesterday (hee-hee-hee) when TWO of his criminal cronies were convicted of felonies within minutes of each other. Trump lawyer Michael Cohen pled guilty to multiple counts of bank and tax fraud, as well as campaign finance violations—and then went on to implicate Trump, saying that the president directed him to pay off two women in order to influence the 2016 election. THAT'S A CRIME, Y'ALL.



Meanwhile, Trump's former campaign manager Paul Manafort was convicted of eight felonies, which included bank and tax fraud, in which he "hid millions of dollars in foreign accounts to evade taxes and lied to banks repeatedly to obtain millions of dollars in loans." THAT'S A CRIME, Y'ALL. And that's just trial number one, because Manafort now must answer to charges of obstruction of justice, failing to register as a foreign agent, and money laundering. While Trump was quick to squeal that the devastating verdicts had nothing to do with him, the results of the second trial almost certainly will. Again, hee-hee-hee.

Oooooh, and what's THIS? "Cohen lawyer Lanny Davis suggests his client has knowledge implicating Trump in ‘criminal conspiracy’ to hack Democratic emails."

So how did state-run media Fox News react to this insane day of news? They pretty much ignored it, as usual.


Meanwhile, let's not forget that while Trump twists painfully in the wind, the GOP is behind the scenes doing lots and lots of blatant voter suppression.

Speaking of criminal GOP chicanery, Republican Congressman Duncan Hunter of California and his wife have been charged with illegally using campaign funds to pay for personal bills and luxury vacations.

More bad news for the GOP: Last night, Trump-endorsed Foster Friess lost his bid to represent Republicans in Wyoming's race for governor.

At the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill, a Confederate statue has been pulled down by protesters.

Prisoners across America are striking against "slave conditions" and are refusing to work, and in some cases, eat, until their conditions are improved.

Rapper Post Malone had a scare when the plane he was flying on blew both of its tires on takeoff. The plane was forced to circle the airport for five hours to burn off enough fuel to make a safe (if bumpy) landing.

Now let's look upwards at the WEATHER: Another hot/hazy day with a high of 92—but things cool down and clear up significantly tomorrow!

And finally, what this puppy is experiencing is a perfect metaphor for our lives, isn't it?