Smokier than a bbq in Southern Mississippi. SMOKY AIR - DONT CARE.
Smokier than a bbq in Southern Mississippi. SMOKY AIR - DON'T CARE. Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

The Portland Thorns SQUEEZED AND SQUASHED Sky Blue FC 2-1 on Wednesday night! DO MY LADIES RUN THIS PEANUT BUTTER? HELL YEAH! 17,986 fans joined the fun at Portland’s Providence Park despite the soot-soaked AND smoky conditions. ARE YOU WHISTLING FOR THE TEAM OR JUST WHEEZING?

HIGH STAKES AND HOT TAKES
This was the Thorns second home game in less than a week. With this win, the Thorns are locked in for the playoffs for the third season in a row. LET’S TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT, DON HENLEY!

Go ahead, fall in love, shes a goal scoring virtuoso!
Go ahead, fall in love, she's a goal scoring virtuoso!

Sky Blue, however, hasn’t won a single game this season. I feel awful telling you that. Truly though... 19 games and not one win? I don’t know if I could do it. I understand patience and follow through, but ugh—not one game? HEY, KIT KAT, CAN YOU GIVE ‘EM A BREAK? Through this season, Sky Blue FC has acquired only five points with the draws they have achieved. The Thorns have acquired 33 points this season. That’s counting 9 wins and 6 draws.

NO PITY IN THE ROSE CITY
The game began with the Thorns in control, but not dominating. Unlike previous matches, Portland didn’t start this game prudent, nor did they seem overly aggressive. They looked comfortable with their defense and gave forward Hayley Raso and midfielder Tobin Heath chances when they could, pushing up and keeping the ball equal on both sides of the field.

Then HOLY SMOKES AND ARTICHOKES, after a diffused handful of breaks for the goal, Thorns midfielder Lindsey Horan was fouled in the box and granted a penalty kick. KNOCK KNOCK! WHO’S THERE? OPPORTUNITY—THAT’S WHO! NOW OPEN UP OR I'M BREAKING THIS DOOR DOWN!!! Portland captain Christine Sinclair sunk the penalty shot and the Thorns were up 1-0! This was Sinclair's ninth goal of the season ranking her as the third most scoring player in the league. HEY, ALICIA KEYS! TURN ON THE HOSE—THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!

A professional congratulation from Emily Sonnett. CONSENT TO HANDSHAKE GIVEN.
A professional congratulation from Emily Sonnett. CONSENT TO HANDSHAKE GIVEN. Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

After that goal, things escalated quicker than Russell Crowe with a hotel telephone. The Thorns brandished conviction and enterprise in the second half and showed no sign of slowing or stopping.

The masterful and deft Tobin Heath delivered a free kick in the 55th minute to the far post, unassisted, to create sweet net-ripping music for fans to dance to. That goal felt like my 11-year-old Christmas morning when Santa brought me a saxophone. PURE PLEASURE AND SWEET MUSIC!

She can't, she won't, and she don't stop. TOBIN HEATH IS FUN TO WATCH.
She can't, she won't, and she don't stop. TOBIN HEATH IS FUN TO WATCH.

TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT
About halfway through the second half, things started to get a little too loose for the Thorns. There were numerous stops for substitutions and injuries and it felt like the home team was looking to burn some time off the clock and save some legs. The stadium took a deep smoke-filled breath in the 85th minute when chaos was created in front of the goal and Sky Blue came through with a goal. SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT—HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!
Portland goalie, AD Franch, had another magical night of MONSTER SAVES.
Portland goalie, AD Franch, had another magical night of MONSTER SAVES. Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

CRUEL INTENTIONS OR PURE FRUSTRATION
Sky Blue has not won a game this season, and there was a feeling that they had nothing to lose on Wednesday night. Which is pretty scary when the stakes are high for your team and knocking on playoffs door. This was a hard fought match. Sky Blue was tough. Tempers flared and things got rough out there. Four yellow cards were issued throughout the match—zero for Portland, all four to Sky Blue. Thorns are lucky they came out of this one without a major injury. I mean, I can't imagine their respiratory system won't be affected by playing in those conditions, but for the most part, the Thorns have a healthy roster.

Fans randomly showed their phone lights to each other. Whos got a phone charger and WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
Fans randomly showed their phone lights to each other. Who's got a phone charger and WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

THE END IS NEAR
The Thorns play AGAIN and AWAY on Saturday, August 5th at 5 PM against the Washington Spirit. The next and LAST HOME GAME is against Northwest playoff definite, the Seattle Reign, on Friday September 7th at 7 PM. THAT’S TWO SEVENS! THAT’S TOTALLY LUCKY! Get your tickets here! You should totally come to the game. My parents are flying in from Louisiana and I can’t WAIT to show them Providence Park on gameday!
This team embodies grit, patience and power. THEY ARE READY.
This team embodies grit, patience and power. THEY ARE READY. Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC