The Thorns ripped through the Seattle Reign 3-1 on Friday night at Providence Park! WHOOP THERE IT IS! WHOOP THERE IT IS! This was the final match of the regular season for both teams. We all know how these two squads RUMBLE AND WRANGLE when they meet up, but there was much more than a Cascadia rivalry on the line—this win snatched second place status from Seattle and secured home-field advantage for the Thorns. GLORY GLORY HALLELUJAH THE THORNS ARE MARCHING ON!
KNICK KNACK PATTY WACK — THE THORNS GOT A WIN
A raucous and roaring 21,144 fans PACKED Providence Park to show the rest of the NWSL how it looks to support a team at the end of the season. I was especially thrilled to have my parents come to their first-ever women’s professional match on Friday. They traveled all the way from South Louisiana to see what they’ve been watching on Lifetime Television and hearing me blather on about through holiday meals. My father thought the hot dogs and that “Horan lady” were exceptional. My Mom thought the Riveters fan clan were yelling “More Ammo!” when they were actually yelling “Fuck Seattle.” She laughed hard at her misheard lyrics, took a selfie with me for “The Facebooks” then continued to loudly warn the other team not to “Mess with our number 10 cause she was not having it.”
In other words, I GOT MY PARENTS SOCCER WOKE.
WHAT A WAY TO FINISH THE SEASON
Seattle scored the first goal in the fourth minute of the game—AKA WAY TOO EARLY. Reign Captain and Welsh superstar Jess Fishlock broke out about two steps in front of the box to score a laser of a goal on her solo. UNFAVORABLE!
Sure there’s lots of time left in this game, but coming back after the other team scores first is DIFFICULT. What kind of team can make a come back like that? What sort of team can take that frown and turn it into ABSOLUTE, UNADULTERATED GLADNESS AND MERRIMENT?
THE THORNS THAT'S WHO
Things started to take flight for the home team soon after that first goal was scored. The Thorns played with a clear vision — even though Seattle held the lead. After several noble attempts, Thorns midfielder Lindsey Horan, nailed a net ripper right past the goalie in the 30th minute. Midge Purce received the ball in the right corner, sliced a cross into the box for Christine Sinclair who passed it backward for Horan—who found space and advantage AND HER 12TH GOAL OF THE SEASON! GATHER ROUND FRIENDS, WE HAVE A FRIENDSHIP FIRE — AND SEATTLE’S ON THE TOP!
Things never settled down after that. It got louder, rowdier, rougher, fun-ner, ridiculous-ly-er and, I will be honest and personal here, it felt downright INDULGENT. No, the Thorns did not have the “W” yet, but they certainly kept their dials, as my Mother says, TURNED TO 11.
In the 48th minute, Tobin Heath found the time to, umm... I dunno, SMASH ANOTHER GOAL INTO THE NET. PICTURE IT ... Midge Purce made a fast and hard break for the goal, and though she was THWARTED, Heath was standing by to pick up a hurried and shoddy Seattle pass and TA- FREAKING- DA put the Thorns in the lead! SOMEBODY TURN OFF THE BREAKER — I HAVE ELECTRICITY THROUGH MY WHOLE BODY!
The Thorns were up 2-1! The stadium was filled with celebratory red smoke, hot tempers, and yellow cards. Then, in the 72nd minute, the Portland fans were treated to an overindulgent amount of STONE COLD TWO GOAL LEAD BLISS when Tobin Heath delivered another corner kick of SWEET CARAMEL PERFECTION to find Lindsey Horan’s NOGGIN OF TRIUMPH!
Fans lost their minds! My Dad lost his 50/50 ticket! My Mom came back from the bathroom with a Coco-Puff Voodoo Donut that she proceeded to eat from the bottom up while I realized how so many things about me seemed almost normal when she did stuff like that.
Guys, this is for real, not only do the Thorns get a playoff match, but it's here... at Providence Park... ON FREAKING SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 15 at 12 noon. (TICKETS HERE)
Thorns will face the Reign AGAIN in this match and playing the same team twice, well, it ain’t easy. BUT— if the Thorns win this game (THEY WILL) the final match will be played here, in Portland AT PROVIDENCE FREAKING PARK. (Tickets for the final match here)
The bandwagon is now open for enrollment. GET ON IT!
Also, I try to say nice things on twitter @erinjeanius