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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Living this life on the hustle, I barely get enough time. You know me from the platinum, how I stack them and shine. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Burgerville employees at the Montavilla location went on strike yesterday—which was also National Cheeseburger Day! (Crafty move, employees. Crafty move.)

Two men in Eugene have been arrested after firing a weapon out of their car... and then uploading video of the incident on Facebook. (Crafty move, Eugene dudes. Crafty move.)

I'm just going to leave this headline here: "Shirtless, bowl-smoking bandit steals kitten from Portland pet shelter."

Malheur Militia member/Nevada gubernatorial candidate Ryan Bundy— who has never been the sharpest tool in the shed—has proposed an eye-for-an-eye crime stopping technique that goes like this: "If you rape 3 people, you will be raped 3 times as forced by the Nevada Government." As I said, not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Professor Christine Blasey Ford—who has credibly accused SCOTUS nominee Brett Kavanaugh of attempted rape—is refusing to play the GOP's game and instead of getting the Anita Hill treatment on Monday is insisting on an FBI investigation into her accusations first. However, the Republicans are too interested in ramming their corrupt nominee through the process to give a shit about justice.

Oh, and to the surprise of no one, Christine Blasey Ford has received so many death threats since coming forward she's been forced to hire private security and move out of her home. That's American misogyny at work!

In response, Trump said that Kavanaugh's alleged sexual assault is "very hard for me to imagine." OH IS IT REALLY?

Waitasecond... North Korea isn't planning on going through with full denuclearization! But... Trump said he already solved that problem!

Trump has also stepped up his attacks on Jeff Sessions, saying in an interview, "I don't have an attorney general." He is correct, he doesn't have an attorney general. However, AMERICA DOES.

Stormy Daniels released an excerpt from her new book explicitly detailing having sex with Trump—which is why Mario Kart's Toad was trending yesterday. EWWWWWWW!!!

Flooding remains a huge problem for the hurricane victims of North Carolina, who are now facing health problems from overflowing pig poop.

McDonald's employees in several major cities are going on strike to protest sexual harassment in their workplace.


Now how about a WEATHER report: Hey, it's chilly outside this morning, but expect a mostly clear day, reaching a high of 72.

And finally, this dude's first attempt at riding an ATV doesn't go as planned (and the mom is like, "Yeah, that's pretty much par for the course.")