Stay up to date on Portland news and politics. Looking for fun? Here are the best Things to Do in Portland today.

Stand by for an important text from me about how the NYT is a failing organization.
"Stand by for an important text from me about how the NYT is a failing organization." Chip Somodevilla / Staff / Getty

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! In a situation, any guy that holler at me, it's real confrontation. Thug lovin' is my baby's job occupation. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Okay, instead of starting the day in the usual manner with terrible news, BEHOLD: THE BEST NEWS EVER! "Miniature horses could be your seatmate: Alaska Airlines to allow them on board."

In a college basketball corruption trial, a lawyer for Adidas admits the company paid young talented players to attend Adidas-sponsored schools and got into an "astronomical" bidding war with Nike-sponsored U of O.

After the administration allegedly bungled a report of sexual assault, Madison High School students staged a walk-out and sit-in yesterday.

Because he is the worst piece of disgusting garbage ever, President Trump openly mocked sexual assault survivor Christine Blasey Ford at a rally in Mississippi. In a related story, Hell has constructed a torture chamber for Trump so diabolical, it caused Satan to gasp in horror.


Republican Senators Jeff Flake and Susan Collins—two key votes needed to confirm Kavanaugh—are strongly rebuking the president for his mockery of Christine Blasey Ford (for whatever that's worth).

As we know, Trump loves flogging the story of how he's a self-made billionaire—but guess what? THAT'S A LIE, TOO. The New York Times has a story exposing him as a silver-spoon-fed trust fund kid who became richer thanks to his tax-dodging daddy, and his own shady business deals. Ohhhh, so that's why he didn't want us to see his tax returns!

The FBI is expected to finish their investigation into Brett Kavanaugh as soon as today, and are bracing for blowback from either side depending on their findings.

Garbage Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee are stooping lower than ever in their attempts to ram Kavanaugh onto the Supreme Court, and have released an unsubstantiated, misogynistic, and explicit report on the sex life of one of Kavanaugh's accusers.

DO NOT PANIC. But at 11:20 am today you will receive a text from President Trump. It is simply a test of the Emergency Broadcast System, and not a mocking tweet about sexual abuse survivors.

The official death toll from the quake/tsunami in Indonesia has risen to over 1,400.

And now... the WEATHER: After a foggy morning expect sunny skies and a high of 67.

Finally (and stop me if you've heard this one), a horse walks into a bar and... that's it. Actually it runs into a bar.