Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: After 30 years... and two kids... should he stay... or should he go? Also: love connections after sudden and unexpected deaths, advice for the short and lonely, and permission to fight bigotry with Buck Angel. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.
First, a note on someone or other's finances:
I love your column but have no sexual issues to ask help for. I would, however, like to help you.I am a retired banker, and have worked for four banks in as many countries, retiring as an SVP. Since retiring, I have started a pretty successful business. So, I can claim to know a thing or three about business and finance. Please don't refer to a six-time bankrupt and life-long tax-cheat as a ''billionaire." Someone with a net worth of (at best) $400 million that he inherited, and has not yet been able to lose, is merely ''wealthy.'' So, apart from my sensibilities, you abuse the English language!
I was in Minnesota a month or so ago and each time I go there I try to pick up an issue of City Pages. I must say I was so happy to see your article in the September 5-11 2018 issue featuring the husband wanting to fulfill his wife’s fantasy to have a mystery guest appear in her bedroom and enjoy her restrained and blindfolded body. That may seem a bit kinky or strange to some people, but then, most all fantasies are strange to those without an imagination, don’t you think? Maybe that is why most people keep fantasies a secret and live a subdued and boring life that may not be healthy. I think the fantasy of that couple is wonderful, healthy and congratulations to them for their openness.
I’ve been married for more than 30 years and we share fantasies daily, and it is a major reason we have a great marriage. Fantasies are like the AI of our minds wonderfully available to explore. Like a Hologram in the bedroom. And if shared, makes it even more exciting. Never underestimate the power of a good fantasy. Give your spouse the opportunity to have an open experience and she/he may likely do the same for you. How fun. And yes, Dan you're right, ”there is no room for presumablies when you’re arranging to fulfill a varsity level fantasy.” Talk about the details and boundaries among all parties. Also, talk about the details of the fun stuff and action expectations you hope to experience.
Dan, thanks for being a cool guy and keeping us informed. I hope you can forward this to the “wife has a fantasy" couple. Maybe on the next trip to Minnesota, I could be a lucky guest of theirs.
Regarding Run Or Not...
From the experience of being raised by people who never wanted to be parents Id say he should have left long ago and any time to go now is good. Kids can tell when they arent wanted and he just does more damage the more he is around.— Heather B (@Iheardthisonce) October 13, 2018
FWIW, the letter writer (if they are in earnest) may have—or have known someone with—what is known as "Maple Syrup Urine Disease," which is extremely serious, and remains prevalent among certain genetically-linked segments of the American population (Mennonites, Amish, Adventists, and those descended from those groups). It can result in serious mental and physical problems, if left untreated. If you've entered a bedroom of a child which smelled like syrup (from bedwetting etc.), that disease was what you were picking up on. Also, I'd suggest the letter writer just leave an open bottle of syrup on their side table. No explanations necessary. (Thanks for your efforts, and please don't associate my name publicly with this letter or disease.)
Your secret—being highly informed about an autosomal recessive metabolic disorder affecting branched-chain amino acids—is safe with me!
It could be that his parents marriage lasted 40 years because his mother let his father go out and suck a cock occasionally. Maybe it turned her on to watch. How does he know it was a lie maybe they were swingers and the hubby was bi? Perhaps it was a perfect marriage of people who recognized reality that something occasional on the side can be a good thing. Here is what my wife said to me: do what you need to do, don't bring any diseases home, and I don't want to find out about it (or embarrass me). For me the secret to a long happy marriage. Just making the point it may not have been a lie or a bad thing; in fact it might have been why the marriage was successful!
Regarding booze and the sexually-frustrated bisexual lady...
I want to say thanks for the advice to the latent bi-lady to just keep one bottle of wine in the house instead of telling her to go to AA. There are other ways to manage heavy/overdrinking besides abstinence, but we don't seem to talk about them in the US.
I just read the SLLOTD from JCIL, and I have one more suggestion for him: try seeking out bi women. As a bi woman myself, while I would definitely not go so far as to say I fetishize short, slender men, I do appreciate and enjoy sometimes playing with a man who is my build or smaller—not in spite of his height, but at least partly because of it. One doesn’t always want a lover who hulks over one. At least, I don’t! Obviously I don’t speak for every bi woman, but I speculate that at least some women who feel sexual attraction for more than one gender would perhaps be less prone than your typical cis het woman to feel sexual attraction only toward people who are physically larger than they are. We’re used to having sex with people who are approximately our size or smaller and it’s far from being a turnoff. It may even add to a potential partner’s appeal, whether they’re male or not.
Good luck to JCIL! Women who will be attracted to him do exist, though we may be thinner on the ground than he’d like.
Seconding the date-bi-women advice:
My advice to JCIL? Date bi women. We’re less likely to have a hangup about dating someone shorter than us, because most of us have dated shorter women. Yeah, sure, a lot of bi women bring back all the stupid gender stereotype rules when dating men, but you will have more of a chance. My 5'2" husband got a lot of rejections on sight, even though he’s hot; the prejudice is real. Their loss is my gain.
I am a 5'10 woman in my forties (lifelong reader and huge fan of yours) and I had a few comments and thoughts I'd like to share with JCIL, building on your advice. Firstly, I feel for him. Although us tall women are stigmatized and often rejected due to our height, short men have it worse. At least some of us get appreciation for "looking like models" if we happen to have a thin body type. And there are plenty of men who are attracted to tall women and are secure enough in their own sense of masculinity to date women taller than them. (There are also plenty of men who are attracted to us but can't handle the stigma of being shorter than their woman, who like to send mixed signals and confuse the shit out of us, but that's another letter.) As soon as I could easily access porn via the internet, I immediately noticed that there is an obvious absence of tall woman porn, versus a popular entire genre of porn dedicated to 'teeny', petite, tiny small women. I get it. But I can relate to JCIL's feelings of undesirabilty. In agreement with your advice to him and the statistics offered by OkCupid, I think he should be open to dating tall women. But to elaborate on that point, it's not just because we are more desperate to date than average-height women or petites, it is because we too have lived our lives dealing with the stigma of our height. As such, we can relate deeply, and might be less likely to look down on short guys (haha!)
Quick share: I've had several relationships with men way shorter than myself. Including my ex-husband/father of my child, who was about 5'3; basically a full head shorter than me. At first, I admit I felt awkward at times, not because his height made him any less attractive in my eyes, but because I had to get used to the way other people and society in general viewed us as a couple, often with ridicule. (On several occasions people driving by literally laughed at us). And the constant jokes and comments, which I eventually got accustomed to, and eventually in time grew immune to and was able to even laugh myself. He loved my tallness, and made me feel beautiful, sexy and proud. It helped that he was Mexican, because some part of my bias-holding brain expects Mexican men to be short. It also helped that physically, he embodied some of the characteristics that I find attractive in men (strong body, big shoulders, dark hair and skin). And that, I believe, is the key for any future lovers or partners of JCIL ... that there are certain aspects of his physical appearance that a woman will find attractive, regardless of his height.
My current partner in many ways fits the same description as my ex: he's about 5'4, 11 years my junior, Mexican, gorgeous body and handsome as hell. I would not say that I have 'a thing' for short guys, (maybe Mexicans LOL), it's just that I barely factor height into the equation of attractiveness. I find my BF to be irresistibly handsome. (See pics attached). And I hope I'm not being idealistic in my wishes that JCIL doesn't settle for less than a woman who feels this way about him.
A note on ITMFA buttons:
Looove your podcast, been listening for years. I got online to buy up a whole bunch of ITMFA buttons but they’re sold out. When will you be getting more? Will you be getting more?? Hope so!! Planning to gift them for the holidays! Thanks so much!
Sorry we were out of buttons when you visited ITMFA.org! But we've got buttons in and they're available for purchase now! Occasionally the items go off sale briefly as we await new product so customers aren't waiting for weeks on end for their ITMFA gear to arrive. And the buttons, it just so happens, are really popular and we ran out of them recently. But, again, they're back in stock!
All proceeds from the sale of ITMFA gear goes to three great organizations: the ACLU, Planned Parenthood, and the International Refugee Assistance Project! The t-shirts, hoodies, mugs, and pins make great prezzies! Give the gift of getting to tell people what ITMFA stands for! IMPEACH THE MOTHERFUCKER ALREADY!
No! This advice is not right. It stinks of slut-shaming dressed up as corporate sensitivity. Besides, if the employer has to shut down his own sex life to avoid running into an employee, that underling is so fired one way or another. Is that really the society you are promoting?— Ramsay (@ramsay_says) October 18, 2018
And a reader puts JACKS' problem in perspective...
I wouldn’t worry, Dan, since practically all workers know their manager are wankers.