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It’s probably a fool’s errand to try to explain what London Fields is about. Though it was shot in 2013, the flashy film’s release was delayed due to several legal disputes that likely had something to do with the fact that it’s the cinematic equivalent of a sewage truck colliding with a tanker full of gasoline, AKA an explosion of shit and fire raining down on innocent bystanders stranded on the freeway. You will be one of those innocent bystanders if you make the wrong and bad decision to see this movie.

The incomprehensible plot—ostensibly based on Martin Amis' novel, but mostly built around slo-mo shots of Amber Heard’s bosoms—centers on Nicola Six, a clairvoyant femme fatale who knows when and how she’ll be murdered, but isn’t sure which of three men will be responsible: sleazy darts champion Keith (Jim Sturgess), the handsome and repressed banker Guy (Theo James), or the film’s narrator, the struggling and apparently dying American pulp writer Samson Young (Billy Bob Thornton). Oh, also, according to Six’s premonitions, the world is about to end. Johnny Depp makes a very confusing appearance that might just be a reprisal of his role as Willy Wonka (I honestly don’t know or care). The whole thing is bonkers in the worst way—like if Baz Luhrmann snorted his own dandruff and decided to make another movie with CGI cityscapes, uncomfortable musical numbers, and a beautiful girl who’s predestined to die.


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