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I'm a 32-year-old woman. I've always known I had it in me to be sexually and romantically attracted to all genders, but because of severe social pressure I chose/was forced onto the path of least resistance as a teen and ended up only dating cis male people. The social cost of me dating a girl in my country, in my family was just too high, and I didn't HAVE to do that to find love and have relationships, so there we are. I've had one long-term relationship with a man as an adult (six years), and another one after that (eight years), which brings me to the present day. I've never had the chance to explore the side of me that's attracted to female-presenting people, since both the men in these LTR were 100% straight and monogamous.

So now I'm 32 years old and quite experienced with hetero sex and a complete virgin when it comes to sex with any other gender than cis male. I've fooled around with women before, kissing and heavy petting and such, but nothing I would describe as sex. It doesn't help that the lesbian cis women I personally know are... kind of mean about it? Obviously #notalllesbians, but every lesbian woman I've been close with has been very irritated by me identifying as bisexual if I haven't had sex with women. My best friend recently snapped at me that I'm just a fake bisexual for attention if I've never acted on it. Another friend told me that being bisexual was a privilege and I had no right to "whine" about the difficult aspects of it to her. The two LGBTQ groups I've been part of were dominated by monosexual people who did not have many nice things to say about bisexual women. So while I'm sure this isn't universal, it's definitely a pattern for me personally and it hurts a lot.

So now I'm headed down a dark path where I'm becoming actively scared of approaching lesbian women. I've tried to find bisexual women through dating apps, but having a profile as a young-ish bisexual woman looking to experiment only seems to attract straight dudes looking for threesomes (which I'm actually open to, but these creeps sure do know how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory!) I guess other bisexual women have the same problem I do, because I can't find them for the life of me. And I'm afraid monosexual women will be a little cruel about my inexperience and identity. Maybe going out there as a unicorn would help, but I've got the same anxiety about that. Like I said, this has been happening since I was a teen. It's unsettling to be a sexually experienced virgin and I don't know where to go from here. I'd like to pop my lady-cherry! But I don't know how to find someone who won't take my half-virginity as a sign that I'm faking bi for attention. I think I'm coming down with sexual impostor syndrome.

Not Faking

A married-to-a-man bisexual woman desperate for some girl-on-girl action—a woman also struggling with a host of other issues—wrote in a while back. I tried to put both her problem and her odds in perspective...

Most bisexual women aren't out (bi men too) and most bisexual women are in opposite-sex relationships (bi men too)—and there are more bisexuals than there are gays or lesbians. Some studies have found that there are more bisexuals than gays and lesbians combined.

I suggested to Going Absolutely Insane that might want to seek out other bisexual women like her, since there are way more bi women than lesbian women, and I suggested she look for same-sex bi partners where most same-sexers (monosexual and otherwise) find their same-sex partners:

You'll have to risk putting yourself out there, most likely online, which is where more than 70% same-sex relationships get their start—no risk, no reward, nothing ventured, nothing gained, no face pics, no response, etc.

But you already did that—you already put yourself out there online—and it didn't help. You were overwhelmed by responses from creepy guys. Those responses plus the unhelpful/clueless comments of a few shitty/misinformed monosexuals and the sneering judgment of a few scary/insecure lesbians, NF, added up to a bad case of imposter syndrome.

What now? Well, instead of trying to work this one out myself, NF, I tossed your question out to Bisexual Twitter. I asked Bisexual Twitter to skip the obvious—some monosexuals are clueless, you need to get better friends—and share some practical tips. And Bisexual Twitter came through...




























And finally, NF, a great thread—some great personalized advice for you—from the folks at Still Bisexual...






Follow Still Bisexual on Twitter @StillBisexual.


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