The new Avengers: Endgame trailer came out yesterday, and already 870 trillion people have watched it on YouTube!! It truly is an Avengers world we live in!!

There are two very important things about this:

1) This trailer contains even more hints that in a post-Endgame universe, Captain Motherfucking Marvel will be the leader of the Avengers, probably palling around with around Doctor Strange and Black Panther and hopefully Black Widow, and Carol Danvers as President of the Avengers is something I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE (get the fuck outta here, Tony, you're fuckin' done)


Is "side hair" the correct term for it? Who can say, really. (A barber could. —Ed.)

Regardless of this truly unsolvable etymological and cosmetological mystery, the new trailer clearly shows us that the universally mocked Hawkeye, who was MIA in the last Avengers movie, Avengers: Infinity War, has a full head of hair at one point in Endgame...


Only to have a Cool Kid Mohawk at another point in Endgame! Here he his brooding at Avengers Lake and thinking about parents just don't understand.


Meanwhile, the universally beloved Captain America, BFF of U.S. Senator Jeff Merkley of Oregon, has no beard in Endgame...


Yet in this flashback to Avengers: Infinity War reminds us, he used to have a Patriot Beard.


And so, I ask:

Is the reason Hawkeye wasn't in Infinity War because he was hiding out somewhere, growing side hair that he then cut off and mailed to Captain America so that Captain America could glue that side hair onto his face and use it as a beard?

And is the reason Hawkeye is back in Endgame because the newly clean-shaven Captain America no longer has need of said side hair, and thus is no longer forcing Hawkeye to be a hair farm? Which, to be fair, is probably the most important job Hawkeye has ever had?

It certainly is some food, and some hair, for thought.

I hereby rest my exceedingly well-considered case, and await my congratulatory letter from the Pulitzer people