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I'm a 36-year-old cis hetero-flexible woman that's pretty much been the definition of GGG. I don't have any specific fetishes, but I'm open (I'm down for switch BDSM, furry play, pegging, pain play, you get the picture) and love to have my partner enjoy themselves. My partner is a wonderful 36 year old bi man who is a super freak, and we're monogamous and have been together six years. Pretty much any kink you can name, we've tried it, and we've spent the better part of six years having the best sex of our lives and experimenting with anything and everything we could both think of. Beyond just the experimentation he has a long list of kinks he's really into and I love to oblige. The dude is a freak and his anything-goes attitude has always been a huge turn on.

The trouble is, the more time goes on, the more our pegging sex—which plays a significant role in our sex life (maybe 30-40%?)—is feeling... well, more and more gay and I'm not sure I'm enjoying it anymore. For a long while, I regarded his affinity for pegging, and his appreciation for sex with dudes, as the separate things they are. For example I knew he watched both pegging porn and gay porn and I was totally cool with both. He would discuss how much it turned him on to watch a woman in latex fucking a bound dude, (which I was happy to reenact!), or show me a hot gay sex scene he had just enjoyed.

However, over the last year or so, the pegging has stopped feeling like what it is (a hot lady fucking her hot husband) and more like... a hot husband is trying to reenact his gay fantasies with his wife. For example, our pegging play has turned into a lot of him sucking the strap-on and wanting me to role-play and dirty talk about him being a cum slut for hot man cock. The first few times it was fine because it was new and different and he was enjoying himself. Now that this is how our normal pegging experiences are going, I'm feeling increasingly disengaged and even turned off by this sex, which makes me feel all sorts of things—sad, uncomfortable, ashamed. The last time I fucked him, he asked if I'd be open to binding my tits and not wearing my sexy strap-on sesh lingerie. I said yes, but after, I realized I had reached a point where I felt like a sub-par stand-in sex-prop, and felt turned off and embarrassed afterwards. Nothing about it makes me feel sexy, or like I'm "part of it'- anymore, if that makes sense. I feel left-out and inadequate.

My feelings about this are leading me down one of two paths (perhaps both wrongly), which is why I'm writing you. Because I'm feeling disengaged and even turned off, I feel guilty, and like I'd be bi-shaming him to bring it up. Why would this be different than any other role-play? On one hand this makes me feel disgusted with myself—but on the other hand, I don't have fucking nerve endings in this cock, and I'm not a dude, so watching him suck it and pretend like I'm a dude is just not working for me, and is that so wrong? So option one was to gently tell him it isn't working for me. But the idea of accidentally shaming him, or it resulting in him closeting this fantasy outlet (since we're monogamous) also feels shitty.

So maybe my other option is opening the relationship up so he can get his gay sex on, if that's what he's really after? We had discussed this potential in the past, many years ago, and never got anywhere. I was potentially open to the idea of being poly (separately, I'm not interested in sharing our intimacy). He was not interested in being poly because he was anticipated an imbalance in the extra-marital relationships (that I'd get laid a bunch more, and he rarely would; which is maybe true since we live in a mid-sized, conservative town, and he can be shy). Instead of being poly, he was more interesting in bring extra people into our bedroom. I hate this idea for all of the stereotypical reasons monogamous folk often do, I fear my reaction, being left-out, what it would do to our intimacy to see him get rock hard for someone else, etc. Because of our conflicting interests on this, we axed both possibilities and have just stayed (I think) happily monogamous.

What do I do, Dan? I don't want to keep having regular sex that turns me off and makes me feel like a stand-in for the gay sex I imagine he wants to be having. Am I reading too much into this and projecting? Is this more about my feelings of inadequacy than my partner?

Cockless In The Midwest

P.S. To be fair to him (which I want to be) our hetero-ish sex and/or other kinky sex is still awesome and he seems to enjoy it just as much and we have it just as frequently.

To recap: your husband is asking you to do something that makes you feel sad, uncomfortable, and ashamed (bind your breasts, pretend to be a dude, role-play dude-on-dude sex)... and you've hesitated to say something because doing so might make him feel shamed. Oh, and this kind of sex—you pegging him—constitutes roughly a third or more of your total sexual activity. So if you don't say something and these role-play trends continue on their current course... you're gonna have a lot of sex over the next three or four decade that makes you feel terrible.

You've gotta say something, CITM.

Sometime like this: "It's always turned me on to be this hot woman in latex fucking her hot and bound dude. But I'm feeling increasingly disengaged and even turned off by our pegging scenes. Binding my breasts pretending to be a man makes me feel like a sub-par stand-in and leaves me feeling insecure and inadequate. I know you're bi and I'm a cis woman and we're monogamous, so there's this significant part of your sexuality that goes unexpressed. I'm always happy to watch gay porn with you or to have a wank with you while you fantasize about being with a man. But I'm just not into pretending to be a man while I peg you. It's also been years since we discussed opening up our relationship and I'm willing to revisit that conversation. So how are you feeling?"

You nixed poly the last time you discussed it because the likely imbalance wouldn't work for him—you would have more playmates to chose from than he would—and bringing in "extras," his proposed compromise, wasn't going to work for you. I can see another compromise: he gets with the occasional dude on his own and you refrain from seizing every opportunity to get with a dude. Opening the relationship up just on his side—and only for dudes—is also an option.

But the conversation you need to have—telling him the man-on-man role-play isn't working for you—isn't an option. You're going to have to use your words. If your husband is as good, decent, loving, hot, sexy, and GGG a guy as you make him out to be, CITM, he couldn't possibly want you to have sex with him that leaves you feeling awful.


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