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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Boy, you know you make me float. Boy, you really get me high. I feel like I'm on dope, 'cause you serve me on a regular. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

To the surprise of no one, staunch environmentalist Prince Charles was unable to convince Trump of the dangers of climate change, because the president is an infuriating idiot.

The foreign minister of Mexico is meeting with Veep Mike Pence (ugh) to try to stop Trump's racist, retaliatory tariff against the country, one that even the Senate GOP thinks is bullshit.


The former police officer who refused to help children on the day of the Parkland School shooting is facing criminal charges of child negligence.

Drug company Pfizer knew that one of their products prevented Alzheimer's, and yet refused to make this life-saving information public.

Senator and presidential candidate Cory Booker released his affordable housing plan that would give tax credits to renters. (Meanwhile Joe Biden is correcting his climate plan after being accused of plagiarism.)

A trash Alabama mayor has apologized following a homophobic Facebook post in which he promoted "killing out" the "problem" of gay people.


In other "stupid people" news: A Fort Worth teacher tweeting to President Trump asked him to round up "illegal students," and now regrets that the entire world knows what a stupid, vile person she is.

Thanks to backlash following Netflix's series When They See Us—a dramatization of the Central Park Five—one of the former prosectors has resigned from two nonprofit boards.

Rihanna is the richest female music performer in the world, clocking in with a net worth of $600 million.

IN LOCAL NEWS: Remember that horrible protest from August of 2018, where the cops protected members of Patriot Prayer and injured several protesters by firing "non-lethal" munitions into the crowd? Our Alex Zielinski got the reports where they explain their actions, and IT IS NOT A GOOD LOOK.

The White Owl Social Club has issued an apology (their second, after the first one didn't go so well) and fired two of their security guards after a trans person was dragged out of the women's bathroom.

A youth-led lawsuit against the government for dropping the ball on climate change is being considered in a Portland federal court this week, and our Blair Stenvick has the details.

Portland Timbers' forward Jeremy Ebobisse is getting attention for bravely speaking out on subjects like race and homelessness.

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It's FLEET WEEK, whoop whoop! (So if you see downtown Portland crawling with sailors, you'll know why.)

Now let's peer upwards to the WEATHER: Mostly cloudy with a shower or two and a high of 68.

And finally, if this doesn't improve your day exponentially, I really don't know what will.