Today's hot, and tomorrow will probably be hotter—this week, Portland's temperatures will hit the high 90s—and yes, it's only June, and yes, the world is growing more uninhabitable by the day, and yes, if your apartment is anything like mine, it won't even last until the Water Wars, because by 10 am this Friday it will be a boiling puddle of molten glass and smoking brick.
Luckily, there are a bunch of Portland movie theaters that, in addition to moving picture shows, also offer the unimaginable luxury of air conditioning. Here are your best bets to escape the heat and briefly forget about humanity's looming doom!
Booksmart—Olivia Wilde's feature-directing debut is, says Elinor Jones, " a laugh-inducing, cry-inducing, and utterly relatable high-school universe that I both wanted to inhabit and also gave me PTSD."
Kung Fu Theater: Eight Diagram Pole Fighter—"A brilliant buffet of bone-breaking genius, culminating in one of the single best action scenes ever filmed," says Bobby Roberts.
John Wick: Chapter 3—Parabellum—This is also a brilliant buffet of bone-breaking genius, and also culminates in of the single best action scenes ever filmed, says me.
Long Shot—"Thankfully," says Elinor, "Long Shot isn't another addition to the mid-2000s family of comedies where dude-bros are nagged to death into loving beautiful women. It’s maybe... 10 percent that. The other 90 percent is a reverse Pretty Woman, including lots of making out, amazing outfits, and yes, Roxette."
Avengers: Endgame—Whoa. Are you the last person on Earth who has yet to see Avengers: Endgame?
Purple Rain—"Purple Rain," Bobby writes, "is like an atomic bomb powered by funk-rock fusion, whose radioactive fallout changed pop culture forever. SQUAWK! Hallelujah."
And lastly, both Captain Marvel and Us are already available to watch at home—but they're still hanging on at a few theaters, and I'd argue both work far better on the big screen than on a TV, albeit for entirely different reasons.