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Okay, fine, Ill talk. But youre buying the beer!
"Okay, fine, I'll talk. But you're buying the beer!" Chip Somodevilla / Staff / Getty

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! I need your love, and I won't bring no pain. A little birdie told me that you feel the same game. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Well, that took long enough (and I'm certainly still not holding my breath), but Robert Mueller will be testifying IN PUBLIC in two back-to-back congressional hearings on July 17ā€”which could possibly mean we could finally start the goddamn impeachment process already? Stock up on popcorn, and build a razor-wire cage around your heart.

After the revelation of shocking conditions at Trump's concentration camps, the House has approved a border aid package to send relief to the cruelly treated migrants. HOWEVER, since it binds the hands of Trump, don't expect it to slip past the Senate, who has their own, less helpful plan.

The photo of a drowned Salvadoran father and daughter who were trying to cross the Rio Grande into America is both horrific and infuriatingā€”and the blame lies in the hands of Trump.

It's Democratic Debate Night in America tonight, in which such presidential hopefuls as Elizabeth Warren (WOOT WOOT), Cory Booker, Amy Klobuchar, Beto O'Rourke, Julian Castro, Ginger, Mary-Ann, and all the rest will struggle to separate themselves from the pack. Look for it starting at 6 pm on NBC, MSNBC, Telemundo, and a bar near you.

In Queens, New York, Tiffany CabƔn has seemingly won the Democratic primary for District Attorney (if the absentee ballots hold up) which could mean a very big deal for those fighting for justice reform.


Employees at Wayfairā€”an online furniture company that sold their products for use at Trump's concentration campsā€”have demanded for this to stop and if not? THEY'RE WALKING.

Stephanie Grishamā€”Melania Trump's former aideā€”will be the new White House Press Secretary replacing lying liar and Trump enabler Sarah Huckabee Sanders, but if you're thinking things will get better, don't even get your hopes up.

Meanwhile Kellyanne Conway refused to testify before the House in regards to her breaking the law several times, and will now receive a subpoena for her trouble (which she will almost certainly ignore.) What's that phrase? Oh, yeah. LOCK HER UP.

Though invited by Trump, Megan Rapinoe of the US Women's National soccer team said in no uncertain terms, "I'm not going to the fucking White House," because she is a national treasure.

IN LOCAL NEWS: In Salem, the runaway Oregon Republicans are still missing and should probably stay that way, since Gov. Kate Brown acknowledged that the Dem's climate change bill is most likely dead in the water.


In much better news, you're right in the middle of the Portland Mercury's WING WEEK! Check out all the deeeeelicious wings you can cram in your stomach, and for only $5 for six wings! WOW WOTTA DEAL!

And you like both SEX and COMEDY, don't you? (Of course you do.) Then hurry up and get your tickets for our new comedy/sex-ed show "Talkin' Dirty with Shrista & AJ"! You'll learn a lot and laugh your cute butt off!

Now let's examine the WEATHER: Cool and showery today with a high of 67.

And finally, THIS: