Sundays never felt so good!
Sundays never felt so good! Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

The Portland Thorns defeated the Orlando Pride 4-3 in a heart-stopping match on Sunday at Providence Park. EXPLODING HEARTS EMOJIS!

The Thorns have played and beat Orlando twice already this seasonā€”both times in Orlando. Leading up to this match the Thorns lost at home to the Seattle Reign 0-1 and we all know how much we hate to lose at home. IT HURTS TO WALK WHEN YOU ARE THIS SORE OF A LOSER!

THE FIRST HALF
It took less than five minutes of play for the Thorns to get on the board with a goal. Orlandoā€™s keeper, Haley Kopmeyer, was taking a little too long to distribute the ball for the likes of Thorn forward Haley Raso. So like most of us would, Raso rushed the goalie, then took a heavy-footed ball to the face, found the ball at her feet and carefully knocked it into the net! JUST LIKE SWAYZE SAID, "PAIN DONā€™T HURT."


You remember Haley Raso, right? Remember last year when she straight up BROKE HER BACK on the road against the Washington Spirit then spent time in a wheelchair and in rehab trying to heal before playing for Australia in the World Cup? This was her first start of the season for the Thorns, and boy did she look ready for action!

Raso with the start and the quick goal to get the day started!
Raso with the start and the quick goal to get the day started! Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

Things were already feeling SUMMER ELECTRIC in the stadium but now things were BUSTER POINDEXTER HOT HOT HOT LEVEL!

By the 13th minute the Orlando team was growing (seemingly) more and more frustrated and the Thorns were growing (seemingly) faster, more confident, and somewhat brazen on the field. LIKE ME WHEN I CRUSH CHILDREN AT CONNECT FOUR!

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The entire first half was filled with near goals from the Thorns and an overall dominance from Portland that is generally reserved for the 1996 Chicago Bulls. The Thorns took a collective 13 shots in the first 45 minutes while the Pride managed to only try three. The Thorns outscored, outran, and outright SHAMED the Pride in the first half. Hopefully, the second half will again accentuate Portlandā€™s organization and quick-footed dominance. READ ON GENTLE READER, IT GETS BETTER.

A SATISFYING NUMBER TWO
The second half started as most doā€”a bathroom break and a long wait for a cold beer. Raso had another clear and open look at the goal in the 52nd minute when chaos was created for the Prideā€™s defense by Portlandā€™s quick-footed offense. The shot flew wide of the goal.

In the 58th minute, Midge Purce got her head on a second Orlando goalkeeper error. Thornā€™s midfielder Ellie Carpenter made a monster cross from the south side of the field that the Orlandoā€™s Kopmeyer punched outā€”but not far enough. Purce was able to get her head on the ball at close range for a careful and correct knock into the goal. LET IT RAIN THORN GOALS AND SUNSHINE!

The Pride made a quick break of it after that. Clearly Orlando had had enough and Brazilian superstar, Marta was ready to step up and make a goal out of that frustration. We got ourselves a game, folks!


In 67th minute the Thorns built their lead back to 3-1 when Portland and Canadian sensation Christine Sinclair found the ball at close range in the box and slapped it right into the goal. UNDERWATER HANDSTANDS!

Captain Sinclair has done it again!
Captain Sinclair has done it again! Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

But while the red smoke was still brewing and spewing from the north end, Orlando managed another goal. MARTA! MARTA! MARTA! AGAIN! Why does she always have to RUIN THE FUN WHEN SHE COMES HERE!?


Things got really restless after that. Yellow cards started flying at Orlando, and Portland did their best to keep their defense together with a variety of substitutions. Like thighs on a vinyl car seat in Augustā€”THE ACTION WAS SIZZLING! There were visible flames on the field when Orlando took a series off corners and shots from close range. My heart ā€˜bout beat out of my chest while Portlandā€™s defense battled to keep their lead! SOMEBODY CALL A DOCTOR!

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Then it happened. The Orlando Pride evened things out in the 90th minute with a hard strike from just inside of the box. The Thorns had been able to stop and block the ball on the ground, but this one was in the air and miles away from where anyone could stop or slow it down. GOOD GOD SOMEONE HAS GOT TO STOP THEM... BUT WHO?

The score was tied 3-3 and play had moved close to the Orlando goal. Time had just about expired but there was one last chance at the feet of the Thorns when a corner kick was awarded to Portland. The stadium erupted with cheers of ā€œPTFCā€ while Meghan Klingenberg set up for the 20th and likely final corner kick of the game. Surely the three extra minutes added to the match had run out or was close to running out. We held our breath while the ball soared high and just in front of the goal and watched as Thorns forward Tyler Lussi got her head on the ball and sent it in for a game-winning goal. I HOPE YOU BROUGHT AN EXTRA PAIR OF PANTSā€”'CAUSE I THINK WE JUST RUINED THESE!


And that was it. The ball was set for another kick off and as soon as it was touched, the whistle blew and the Thorns won the crap out of that game.

I know a lot of people came to check out their first NWSL game after the USWNT won the 2019 World Cup and, I gotta say, if a game like that doesnā€™t make a fan out of you, I donā€™t think anything will.

The next Thorns game is against the Utah Royals FC in Utah and the next Thorns home game is Wednesday, July 24 against the Houston Dash. Get your tickets here. GO THORNS!

The noise this stadium generated was impressive!
The noise this stadium generated was impressive! Photo courtesy of Portland Thorns FC