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MALARKEY!—"Joe Biden Did Fine, and That Might Have Been Enough" reads a not particularly inspiring headline at the New York Times about last night's Democratic debate. Sen. Kamala Harris came under attack for her record as California's attorney general ("She put over 1,500 people in jail for marijuana violations, and then laughed about it when she was asked if she ever smoked marijuana," said Rep. Tulsi Gabbard), while Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand had the line of the night: "The first thing I'm going to do as president is I am going to Clorox the Oval Office."
CHINA VS. HONG KONG—"China's army in Hong Kong has released a three-minute video showing troops carrying out 'anti-riot' exercises, in what is being seen as a thinly veiled warning to pro-democracy protesters," reports the BBC. Sure, okay. Nothing could possibly go wrong here. Nope!
STORMY JUSTICE—"Police in the US city of Columbus have said five officers from the department’s now-disbanded vice unit are facing disciplinary action over a raid on a strip club last year that resulted in the arrest of Stormy Daniels," says the Guardian. "An investigation focused on allegations that officers who support Donald Trump conspired to retaliate against the adult film actor over her claims she had sex with Trump before he became US president."
BETTER BURGERS—Starting next week, every Burger King in America will start selling the Impossible Whopper, writes CNN, adding that "interest in plant-based protein has surged as many people try to reduce their meat intake for health or environmental reasons."
FIRE SEASON—Russia, a hostile nation that previously meddled in the 2016 election and is currently meddling in the 2020 election, says Trump offered Vladimir Putin "help in fighting widespread forest fires raging in parts of Siberia," writes NPR. Please enjoy and/or be depressed by this reminder that last year, Donald Trump solved forest fires by moving his hands "back and forth as if he were miming a garden rake" and saying, "You know the floors of the forests, it’s very important." Please ask for his help, Vladimir, please ask for his help
HAPPY HOBBS & SHAW DAY!—Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw, the frontrunner for the best motion picture of the year, opens today—so no matter what else happens, not everything is terrible.
God bless the Rock. He is the only thing holding this world together.
P.S. Go drink some $5 boozy slushies, then laugh so hard your insides get slushy (eww) at the I, Anonymous Show!
