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Why is the deep state attacking Trump? Why wont girls date me? WHERE IS BATMAN WHEN YOU NEED HIM?!?
"Why is the deep state attacking Trump? Why won't girls date me? WHERE IS BATMAN WHEN YOU NEED HIM?!?" NIKO TAVERNISE

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Don't bother trying to explain them, just hold my hand while I come to a decision on it. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

The flailing Donald Trump is still desperately trying to say there was no quid pro quo in his dealings with Ukraine, though recent text messages reveal his own envoys thought differently. Another document shows that these same envoys pressured Ukraine leadership to publicly announce they were investigating the Bidens (the subjects of Trump's thus-far baseless conspiracy theory).

Inspector General Michael Atkinson, who first brought the whistleblower's accusations to light, is testifying in a closed-door meeting today with congressional investigators, and will hopefully dish up some more yummy dirt.

Related: Energy Secretary Rick Perry who has pushed Trump's love of fossil fuels and has been doing a lot of recent work in Ukraine is reportedly leaving his post in December, which isn't suspicious at all.

In yet more governmental corruption news: William Barr's Justice Department (which is to say, Trump's Justice Department) is putting their best people on protecting the president from multiple inquiries into his private finances.

In a related headline: "IRS whistleblower said to report Treasury political appointee might have tried to interfere in audit of Trump or Pence." Blow, you whistleblowers, blow!

The Supreme Court has agreed to hear a challenge to a Louisana-based law that could limit abortion access to women, a decision which could tip the court's hand and demonstrate if they're partisan or not.

Invoking her executive power, Hong Kong's leader has unilaterally banned face masks in an attempt to stop the city's massive protests. (Everyone who thinks this idea is going to fail miserably, raise your hand.)

This weekend, cops are going undercover at screenings in New York for the new Joker movie—which many reviewers say could incite or inspire mass murder. Check out our review of Joker here.

IN LOCAL NEWS: At least one person is dead and two others injured following a shooting yesterday in a Vancouver retirement home. The suspect, an 80-year-old resident, was taken into custody and is expected to appear in court today.

A Portland woman says that she was assaulted by a Lyft driver who then threw her out into the street.

For those who get excited or upset about such things, the Blazers have a new jersey for you to debate about.

ARE YOU HUNGRY? Then may I interest you in the Portland Mercury's upcoming Nacho Week? OH! AND YES, YOU DO LOOK SEXY! Tickets for HUMP! 2019 are right here. (Oh, and psst! Check out the new, very sexy, and decidedly NSFW HUMP! trailer here.)

Now let's look to the WEATHER: A few more drizzles today with a high of 62 and then a very nice weekend lies ahead.

And finally, this is how I plan to fucking NAIL this weekend:

Victory pose!