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My boyfriend and I met online to explore our kinks. Weā€™d both been in relationships with kink-shaming people who really screwed with our heads. So since we werenā€™t thinking it was more that a hookup we put all our baggage on the table early and wound up becoming friends. Eventually we realized we had a real connection and started a relationship where we supported our desire to explore and try anything we wanted to try. Iā€™ve never been happier. The only issue that keeps coming up is how he gets down on himself after I go out and have fun or we both go out together and he feels I get more attention than he does. After the first kink party we went to, he would not stop trying to convince me that no one looked at him all evening. I tried to boost his confidence, and also brought up things like, "Hey you were on a leash so maybe people assumed you were off limits." But no dice. I couldnā€™t even get him to entertain the notion that anyone even looked at him.

Heā€™s a cross-dressing sissy who loves to be used by menā€”heterosuckualā€”and he has a lot of baggage with every last one of exes citing his crossdressing as a reason to leave him for a "real" man. To make things worse, we have had issues with guys coming over for him, finding out thereā€™s a Domme female in the picture, and switching focus to me, which only feeds his insecurities. Now I feel like I wind up avoiding kinky sexual situations (which I love!) because Iā€™m so concerned about protecting his ego. Iā€™ve tried using my words. Iā€™m a longtime reader and know that is almost always the answer, but I canā€™t crack this one. We generally communicate well, but he is unwilling to entertain any interpretations that donā€™t mesh with his theory that obviously he's undesirable.

The breaking point for me was this past weekend. He encouraged me to go to a swinger party with a mutual/occasional play partner/friend and I had a blast. It was super empowering and validating and just recharged me. And all I wanted to do was tell him every detailā€”the way he will do when he services cock for meā€”and he was so jealous that I was able to effortlessly get so much attention he wasnā€™t ready to hear it. It made me feel the same sex-shame I felt with my ex. It also made me feel like he was insinuating that how could I get so lucky, which hit all my chubby girl self conscious places hard. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated!

Seeking Insightful Stress Solution, Yup

Tell that sissy to get over herself.

Your boyfriend is making you feel guilty about something you have no control over: straight women get more attention at mixed-gender sex/play parties than straight men do. And as far as your respective kinks go, SISSY, there are always going to be more people out there who wanna get with Domme women than guys who wanna get with/be serviced by submissive heterosuckual cross-dressers. Your boyfriend will always attract less interest than you do at a kink party, SISSY, just as someone who goes to a BDSM play party hoping to do a little knife play will attract less interest than someone who's looking for a little light bondage. Instead of counting the number of guys who approach you at party and then trying to ruin your night for getting more attention than he does, SISSY, your boyfriend has to make the most of every opportunity that come his way.

And if some guy approaches him at a play party only to realize he's on a leash, SISSY, isn't that guy supposed to turn his attention to the Dominant partner? If your boyfriend could resist the urge to spiral down at those momentsā€”if he could resist the urge to make himself the center of negative attentionā€”those men would probably turn their attentions back to him at some point, SISSY, particularly if you encouraged/gave them permission to do so. (You could and perhaps should also make it clear to anyone who approaches you at a some-if-not-all kink parties that you're a package deal: you play together or you don't play at all. But even then you're boyfriend has to accept that you'll be leveraging your desirability on both your behalves and be at peace with it.

Usually when I advise readers to "use their words" it's about making sexual needs clear, i.e. asking for what we want with the understanding that we may not always get what we want. But what you need (and you need to use your words to get), SISSY, is for your boyfriend to knock this petty, hypocritical slut-shaming shit off. (He's essentially shaming you for being the slut he'd like to be.) It might help if you got him to recognize and grieve and accept not just the reality of the situationā€”women with more mainstream are in more demand at mixed-gender kink parties than men with niche kinksā€”but also the risk he's running here: his insecurities are sabotaging your relationship. Setting traps for you, i.e. encouraging you to go out and play only to make you feel terrible about it afterwards, and making hurting insinuations about your attractiveness is making this relationship untenable. Tell him that you're going to dump him if he can't get a grip. And then ask him what will be worse: being partnered with someone who gets more attention than he does in kink and swingers spaces or being a single male in those spaces. (It's a trick question, at least partly, as many of those spaces don't allow single males.)


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