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I'm a 27-year-old female fan from the UK. My mum had twins "out of wedlock" in the 1970s. She didn't have the financial or emotional support from her Catholic community, so she gave them both up for adoption. They were both adopted together to stable, affluent parents, but due to the laws at the time, she never even knew where they were. She left her own details in a file for them just in case, though. Last year, one of the twins reached out. He and my mum started emailing and soon met up for the first time. Soon after, I met my brother too. It's been a great experience so far, and I've enjoyed meeting him one-on-one and getting to know him, although as you can imagine he is totally different from me in so many ways. But we get on well. (His is alive and well but for more complex reasons we won't be meeting anytime soon.)


Here's my problem: I don't get on with my mum at all. She's not a bad person, but we really clash. I dislike her a lot and we fight all the time, in fact when I was a teenager we used to get into physical scraps. She makes me incredibly anxious and I don't enjoy being around her. I'm happy for her about this reconnection with her long-lost son, and I don't want to poison my brother's view of his birthmother and sabotage this for him or for her. My mum's waited over four decades to make this relationship happen and I don't want to ruin things between them. But my mum keeps insisting we all meet up when she next comes to from Ireland next month to visit, as that seems like a nice and natural thing to do. But her and I together are a disaster, especially in front of someone else. I don't want him to see this.

He's also bringing along his wife, who I've not met yet, and I especially don't want her to meet me in this way, with my mum and I at each other's throats or, at the very best, me treading on eggshells and not being myself. I raised this in most diplomatic terms with my mum on the phone and she got incredibly upset but what I'm worried about is how to convey this to my brother and his wife: that I don't want to hang out with them if my mum is there. How the hell do I approach this? None of us live in the same city, so meet-ups are rare and we can't easily all hang out separately, so I may have to forgo seeing him this time round if she's there, but how do I do this in a tactful way without ruining my relationship with him in this early stage, or sabotage things between him and our mum?


Suddenly Introduced Sibling


Damn.


It's too bad you already told your mum you didn't want to meet with her and your brother and his wife when she comes over. If you hadn't, SIS, you would have a little more room to maneuver. If you were feeling good about it on the day of the meeting, you could've gone. If you weren't feeling good about it, you could've claimed to have come down with the flu that morning and sent your regrets. But that potentially face-saving/conflict-avoiding lie is off the table because you already told your mom you don't wanna see her, SIS, which means skipping the meeting is highly likely to upset your mother that could screw this get together up for your mother and your brother... and that's what you wanna avoid, right?


So my advice is to suck it up. Go meet with your mum and brother and sister-in-law and tread on those egg shells. You're a grown ass woman, SIS, not a teenager, and by this stage of life you have ability to smile and nod your way through an unpleasant meal. You've doubtless had classmates or coworkers or roommates you couldn't stand but you refrained from blowing up at them—you actually stood them—to keep the peace in class or at work or around the apartment. You can do the same here. You aren't obligated to take the bait if your mum baits you, SIS, and you should avoid the topics, loud sighs, eye rolls, etc., that you know bait her—even if it means "not being [yourself]" during this meeting. (If "being yourself" around mum means screaming and yelling... maybe it's better that you aren't yourself when you're forced to be around her?)


Don't do it for your mother's sake, SIS, do it for your own sake and for the sake of the relationship you hope to have with your brother. Upsetting your mum by not showing up or showing up and getting into a fistfight with her—really, either could completely derail your nascent relationship with your brother. Another time you can explain to your brother and sister-in-law that you don't have the greatest relationship with your mom and that, as much as you love her, you avoid spending time with her to preserve her your sanity and hers. Emphasize that your mother is not a bad person, by which I hope you mean she wasn't emotionally or physically abusive or neglectful, and tell your brother you hope he has a better relationship with her because, hey, individual results may vary, right?


If your brother's a decent guy—if he's the kind of relative you want in your life—he'll understand that parent/child relationships are sometimes difficult and not hold it against you, SIS, or your mother.



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Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.


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