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Universal


We have something to discuss.

IS DOM GOING TO MAKE OUT WITH JOHN CENA?

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C'mon kiss kiss kiss kiss everyone can tell you want to

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OH—WAIT! WAIT... WHAT???!

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This entire story is about family and to find out that Dom has a supposed "brother"—a so-called brother who is, presumably, a somehow-in-the-course-of-eight-movies-a-heretofore-never-mentioned Toretto—is bullshit. I am absolutely livid about this, and you should be too.

IS F9: THE FAST SAGA THE ACTUAL TITLE?

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F9: The Fast Saga is something so deeply dumb that there is a one million percent chance Vin Diesel came up with it, declared/growled to be "Beautiful," and forced everyone else to start saying it. So I guess I'm in favor of it. They can have a bad title for this one, since the eighth film had the second-greatest movie title of all time (Fate of the Furious), and we all know the tenth film will have the first-greatest movie title of all time (Fast 10: Your Seatbelts).

IS THERE A WAY UNIVERSAL PICTURES CAN MAKE IT SO WHENEVER SOMEONE HITS "F9" ON THEIR KEYBOARD IT AUTOMATICALLY SHOWS THE ENTIRETY OF F9: THE FAST SAGA ON THEIR COMPUTER AND THEY CAN'T STOP IT OR PAUSE IT OR FAST-FORWARD IT?
You can have that idea for free, Universal!

WHAT! IS THAT THE DELOREAN? NO, WAIT, IS IT THE ECTO-1? IS IT—

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OH. IT'S A... ROCKET CAR?
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Ugh, why did they give it to Tyrese? Tyrese is probably going to crash it.

DOES ANYONE ELSE THINK IT'S CREEPY FOR DOM TO TELL SOMEONE ELSE "I WILL ALWAYS BE IN YOUR HEART"?
I feel like that's a decision for the heart-haver to make?

IS THIS SHOT OF A TRUCK DRIVING BETWEEN TWO ISLANDS AS THE FRAIL ROPE BRIDGE BETWEEN THEM DISINTEGRATES THE GREATEST IMAGE IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA?

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Yes! Either that or it is yet another cinéaste-pandering tip of the hat to Sorcerer, director William Friedkin's 1977 F&F prequel.

SINCE THEY LIVE ON A FARM NOW, WILL EVERYONE SAY "FARMILY" INSTEAD OF "FAMILY"?

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What a weird-looking car! Anyways, since a rural farmhouse is the new Family HQ, I guess, I hope every single cast member just casually, subtly says "farmily" instead of "family" throughout the entire movie, and I also hope no one acknowledges this change at all.

WHAT DID CYPHER DO WITH HER DREADS FROM FATE OF THE FURIOUS?

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Where are they? Did she throw them away? Did she donate them? Does Dom keep them under his pillow and whisper his deepest secrets to them in the cold, quiet hours just before dawn?

WHY DOES LETTY TELL DOM, "YOU KNOW I'D RIDE TO THE DEATH WITH YOU" INSTEAD OF THEIR USUAL SAYING, THE FAR MORE CONCISE AND EMOTIONALLY RESONANT "RIDE OR DIE"?
I feel like this could be one of those hints that the Letty who's inexplicably saying this instead of that might... might not be Letty at all. Remember, it sure seemed like Letty died all the way back in Fast & Furious, and scientists have warned us that it's only a matter of time until the cyborg technology that the nefarious Brixton Lore abused in Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw leads to shockingly lifelike androids who will seduce and betray our farmily. Is this that time?

A TRAIN MADE OF TRUCKS THAT CRASHES??

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There have been so many F&F movies that they have run out of vehicles to put in them. (My 2004 Subaru Legacy can briefly be seen in The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.) Now they are making up new kinds of vehicles that are made from other vehicles. This is a novel solution to a major problem and I have no complaints. Also, Mia's reaction to this—

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—is the appropriate one. All too often, we lose our sense of wonder; Mia, as inspiring as ever, reminds us of what a remarkable place the world can be.

ARE THEY GOING TO LET DAME HELEN MIRREN DRIVE IN THIS ONE?
She's been waiting.

I HATE BOTH OF THESE NEW CHARACTERS

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I know that's not a question, and I know I shouldn't "judge people" based on "less than a second of footage in an ad" when I "know nothing about them" and "might end up liking them," but I hate both of these fucks so fucking much and that will never change and this needs to be entered into the record, for historical purposes

(Furious update: Some F&Fans are suggesting the pictured individuals might possibly be "the old versions" of the strapping young gents from The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. It's hard to tell! If they are, please strike the above paragraph from the historical record. If they are not, my eternal and immutable hatred stands.)

DAMN, THEY GOT A MAGNET PLANE??

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This movie is going to be very good.

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OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

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We knew it might be coming—the world entire demanded #JusticeForHan, and we know people don't really die in the Furiverse. But still, seeing Han Seoul-Oh back, at long last—and eating his beloved snacks—made me GASP. You never left our hearts, Han, but welcome back... to our lives.

Sorry, John Cena. This is true farmily.

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