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I wonder what the poors are doing right now? Ahhh, yes! DYING OF COVID!
"I wonder what the 'poors' are doing right now? Ahhh, yes! DYING OF COVID!" Push / Getty Images

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! My hormones are jumpin' like a disco, I'll be poppin' mess like some Crisco. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

A new map from the Oregon Health Authority shows which neighborhoods are most affected by coronavirus, and to the surprise of no one, the wealthiest enclaves—the places that have fewer frontline employees who are working to survive—are doing just fine.

The owner of a Salem hair salon has violated the Governor's ban, opened her business, and could be facing thousands of dollars in fines. Meanwhile officers in Canby issued a warning to a restaurant that was serving diners inside the establishment.

According to a new draft plan from the Governor's office, in order to reopen, Oregon restaurants will have to keep patrons six feet apart, close by 10 pm, and make sure all their staff wear masks.

Gov. Kate Brown announced that Oregon will be reopening some select state parks starting today May 6, which include Tryon Creek, Willamette Mission, the Cove Palisades, Pilot Butte, and Prineville Reservoir—and more will be reopened soon.

Our Blair Stenvick spoke with five Portlanders who have been waiting on their unemployment benefits since March, and their bills are piling up fast.

Nearly all businesses are struggling, but most can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Not so much with our local music venues, however, who were the first to close and will probably be the last to reopen. Check out this guest editorial from Revolution Hall co-owner Jim Brunberg, who tells us how we can help.

Hey KOIN, this is a bullshit headline. Framing PBOT's plan as a "pedestrians once again causing problems for cars" initiative is disingenuous, click-baity, and you can do better.

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

Trump has admitted that more Americans will surely die from COVID-19—a heartbreaking 70,000 people have perished already—but that doesn't matter, because according to him the economy must reopen no matter how many of your loved ones die.

Remember yesterday when Trump confirmed Veep Mike Pence's statement that his administration is "winding down" the coronavirus task force, which would be replaced by "something in a different form"? Well get ready for some whiplash, because today our idiot president tweeted the task force is NOT winding down, and in fact, it will continue and focus on safety and getting people back to work. DEAR GOD, what have you Trumpers done to all of us?

In a phone call last week, Texas Governor Greg Abbott told lawmakers that he fully expected coronavirus cases to rise as he reopened many of the state's businesses, and that the goal was never to get infections down to zero. Translation: He knows exactly what he's doing, and he doesn't give a fuck about human lives. Have a great day!

Turns out that a lot of problems that hospitals had in getting Personal Protection Equipment were caused by (UGH!) Jared Kushner and his team of wildly inexperienced volunteers who took advice from Fox News personalities on where to find protective gear and which hospitals should get them.

While the majority of our representatives are focusing on relieving the physical and financial burdens caused by the coronavirus, Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell is still—even now as people die and suffer—trying to ram through conservative judges in order to stack the judiciary.

Here's a creepy mystery: Doctors are noticing a small, but significant number of children who are coming in with COVID symptoms, as well as stomach pain and swelling of the arteries in their hearts.

DON'T PANIC: While Supreme Court Justice and heartthrob Ruth Bader Ginsburg did go to the hospital for a minor gall bladder surgery, she is resting comfortably and still continuing to work.

After canceling their Democratic primary last month, a judge has ordered New York State that the election must go on—coronavrius concerns be damned—and all candidates (including presidential hopefuls like Andrew Yang) must be reinstated.

TYPICAL:

If you need some laughs, may we suggest the I, ANONYMOUS SHOW livestreaming into your home this Friday May 8. Mindblowing rants and confessions, paired with a panel of hilarious comics! *chef's kiss*

Support The Portland Mercury

Look, you're stuck inside, creative, going nuts, and need money, right? Then enter your short confinement-themed film in the Confinement (online) Film Festival, better known as CoFF!

Now let's whip our heads to the sky for some WEATHER: A few showers today with a high of 63, but oh boy... that weekend! Better wash those thongs!

And finally, when your dinner party turns into a remake of Carrie....