Hey, Everybody: We had our first Savage Love Livestream event last Thursday night and I had such a blast! A huge crowd of Savage Love readers and Savage Lovecast listeners got together on Zoom for a live online Q&A that raised more than $14,000 for Northwest Harvest, an organization that supports food banks in my home state. I got more questions than I could answer in our allotted time and so Iâm going to answer as many as I can squeeze into this weekâs column. Here we goâŠ
Is it a red flag or sign of deeper attachment or commitment issues if your long-term partner never tells you he loves you?
Iâve heard people describe relationships that were three months old as âLTRs.â Assuming youâre not one of those peopleâassuming youâve been with this guy for more...
Is there a safe way to date/be slutty now? Will there ever be again? Iâm poly but live alone so I havenât had sex in twelve weeks. HELP!
While health officials in most places are urging all to only have sex with people we live withâmom and dad exceptedâover in the Netherlands health officials are advising single and horny Dutch people to find âsex buddies.â One sex buddy per person, someone you can meet up with for sex, ideally someone who isnât interacting with too many other people. If you can find someone you trustâand if you are someone who can be trustedâyou could go Dutch.
My fiancé has an ex-girlfriend who just can't let it go. He's blocked her on social media but his mother still follows his ex and is friends with her and they interact at least monthly. Likes, comments, etc. Can I address the issue with his mom or is that just somewhere you don't go?
Why are you monitoring your fiancĂ©âs ex-girlfriendâs social media? I mean, if you werenât lurking on her Instagram, you wouldnât know your future MIL is liking and commenting on her photos. You fiancĂ©âs mom is an adult and she can follow anyone she likes on Instagram. And if you donât want her to think you're the toxic one, you wonât address this with her. Be the change you wanna see in your fiancĂ©âs ex: let it go.
Iâve always wanted to know more about your history with circumcision.
My history with circumcision isnât that interesting: I was present at one circumcision (my own), Iâve never performed a circumcision (that I recall), and Iâve encountered both circumcised and uncircumcised dicks in the wild (enjoyed them all).
My wife and I are lesbians who just found out we're having a baby boy! We're super excited but had some penis questions. My wife wants to circumcise our son because she says that if he's uncircumcised he'll get made fun of in the locker room. Does this happen? How often do boys look at each other's dicks growing up?
The circumcision rate among newborn boys has been falling for decades and now only a little more than half of boys are circumcised at birth. So even if boys were comparing their dicks in locker roomsâand theyâre notâyour son wonât be alone. And the record: the American Academy of Pediatrics doesnât recommend the procedure and the supposed health benefitsâa lower risk for urinary tract infections and a lower risk for some sexually transmitted infectionsâarenât a convincing argument in favor of the routine circumcision of male infants. And while the complication rate is low (1.5%), those complications can range from easily treatable infections to âamputation of the glans,â ânecrosis of the penis,â and âdeath.â Risking your sonâs life and most important limb to spare him a momentâs awkwardness in a locker room seems unreasonable to meâparticularly since your son canât consent.
My partner wants me (F) to peg him! Hooray! Any advice? He is very hot! Thanks! You rock!
He should douche! Plenty of lube! Take it slow! Film it for HUMP!
Iâm a bisexual male in California. When is the right time to tell someone I just started dating that Iâm bisexual? And how?
Mention your bisexuality on dating appsâwhich is where most couples meet these daysâand you wonât have to tell someone youâre bisexual after youâve started dating them. If you meet someone the old fashioned way (school, work, through friends), tell âem right away. Itâs nothing you should be ashamed or have to roll out carefully. And being with someone canât embrace and celebrate your sexuality is bad for your mental health; the more out you are about being bi, the lower your odds of winding up with someone who has a problem with it. It ups your odds of winding up with someone who fetishizes your bisexuality, of course, but if you had to choose between a partner who disapproves (and polices) and a partner who drools (and wants to watch), youâre gonna way better off with the droolers.
Cis poly woman here. My quarantine sexpod contains me and my two male partners. Weâll call them A and B. My partner B has another female partner that weâll call C. Since we're already "connected" anyway, would it change anything for me to have a threesome with B and C?
If B is fucking C and then coming home and fucking you and then youâre running down the hall to A, then C is essentially already in your sexpod. The bigger your sexpod, the more people youâre in contact with, the greater your risk of contracting and/or spreading COVID-19. Ideally C would move in with you and A and B if youâre all going to be fucking each other. But not having a threesome with B and C while B is out there fucking C wonât protect you and A from whatever B might bring home from C.
Gay black male from NYC here. Two months ago I lost my partner of seventeen years to COVID19. I have a pretty strong support system but itâs really hitting me really hard right now because my partner was very politically active and supportive of the struggles of black and brown people. Iâve been in therapy but any suggestions or resources for how to deal with such a loss in the midst of all this chaos?
Iâm so sorry for your lossâand I apologize for not spotting your question during the show. Iâm glad you have a strong support system and that youâre working with a therapist. If you need more support, your therapist should be able to refer you to an online grief support group. And Iâll just add⊠grief isnât something we âdeal withâ and then weâre done. Itâs something we carry with us. And in my experience time doesnât lighten the load. Still, the longer we walk with it, the stronger we get, and the lighter it feels. My heart goes out to you.
Longtime listener and magnum subscriber! We will keep this short: We are in a happy monogamish marriage and have heard one is not supposed to share toys under any circumstances. What are your thoughts on this?
One shouldnât share a toy one hasnât cleanedâand one should make sure oneâs toys arenât made of porous materials that are hard or impossible to clean. But if one has, say, a silicone toy that can be run through a dishwasher, well, one can share that toy. A fluid-bonded couple can safely share toys during sex, of course, so long as toys arenât going from assholes to vaginas between cleanings. You also shouldnât put a dildo in your spouse and then turn stick it in your very special guest star. But if you obey those simple rulesâclean toys, no ass-to-vag, no used toys in thirds or toys used by thirds in primariesâitâs safe to share your toys.
Iâm a 25-year-old lesbian trans woman in Chicago. I had a long video chat two weeks ago with a woman I met at the Chicago Age Players Conventionâthink International Mister Leather but for Adult Babies/Diaper Loversâand we really hit it off. It felt like we were about to pull a U-Haul despite being in quarantine. We even discussed a visit. But since then I havenât heard from her. Iâve tried texting and calling. My question is what should I do? How can we reconnect?
You canât reconnect if she isnât interested in reconnecting. I know that sucks, but youâve already done everything you canâyou texted, you called. She knows youâre still interested and you have to accept that youâll hear only if she wants to reconnect. Hopefully nothingâs wrong and sheâs safe. I donât think ghosting is ever nice but a lot of people are struggling right now and some people who wouldnât normally ghost are ghosting. If she offers you an apology when she reaches out to you againâif she reaches out to you againâdonât hold the ghosting against her. If you never hear from her again, well, then she wasnât who you hoped she was.
Okay, thank you again to everyone who bought a ticket to the Savage Love Livestream! All proceedsâevery single cent raisedâwent to Northwest Harvest. If anyone reading this in a donating mood right now, you can donate to Northwest Harvest directly at northwestharvest.org/donate.
Follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage
Listen to this week's Savage Lovecast at www.savagelovecast.com