Iâm committed to my male partner and heâs committed to me. (Iâm a woman.) But we both understand we need to flirt and that we will both want to sleep with someone else at some point. We live together, we have a dog, and neither of us believes in marriage. We plan to purchase a house in the coming months. Hereâs the issue: he met a woman at work. Heâs not sexually attracted to her at all. She, however, would love to blow him. Sheâs in an unhappy marriage and has no friends. They exchanged numbers when my partner was transferred and now she texts him constantly. It doesnât totally bother me. But not only does she text him at all hours of the day and night, but she continuously tells him heâs the hottest man sheâs ever...
Dinging Phone Really Exacerbating Semi-Serious Depression
You say it doesnât bother youâit doesn't totally bother youâthat this woman texts your partner day and night, DPRESSD, which strikes me as odd. Because that shit would drive me up the wall. Blowing up someoneâs phone at all hours of the day and night screams âI HAVE NO BOUNDARIES! I AM INCAPABLE OF BEING CONSIDERATE! I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL!â Even if you were in a place where you felt better about your partner getting some attention elsewhere, the shit this woman is pulling would still be annoying, unsettling, and totally bothersome.
And this shit should be disqualifyingâmeaning, your partner shouldâve shut this woman down already. He shouldâve told this woman to knock it off and, if she didnât knock it off, he shouldâve told her to fuck the fuck off and blocked her number. If he tried to shut her down and she kept texting him, DPRESSD, then I have to wonder why he hasnât he blocked her number already. Assuming heâs telling you the truth about not being attracted to herâand it sounds like he isâhe may have allowed this to go on because he enjoys feeling desirable and/or he doesnât want to hurt her feelings. If itâs the former, make it clear to your partner that you wouldnât have a problem with him finding someone else to swap flirty sext messages with, so longs as itâs someone who can sext in moderation and at appropriate times. If itâs the latter, DPRESSD, make it clear to your partner that this shit is hurting your feelings and, as his partner, you expect him to prioritize your feelings over his former coworkerâs feelings.
All that said, DPRESSD, even if the thought of your partner going off to play with another woman didnât make you feel insecure, you wouldn't want your partner getting blown by this particular woman. Even if your partner has never said, âDonât text me at all hours of the day and night,â thatâs no excuse. No one wants their phone or their partnerâs phone blowing up at 3 AM; thatâs not a boundary anyone should have to articulate to set and, articulated or not, no one with any common sense would do that. (And, holy crap, if this is how this woman behaves in pursuit of your partnerâs big cock, how is she gonna behave after she gets a taste?)
As for the house issue, DPRESSD, press your partner to clarify his sudden hesitancy. It may have nothing to do with your relationship; itâs entirely possible that heâs freaked out by the state of the worldâbecause, my God, who isnât?âand heâs having second thoughts about sinking his savings into a house. Depression often puts the worst possible spin on things; it can lead us to reject a calming truth someone is telling us in favor of an alarming lie weâre telling ourselves. Donât fall into that trap.
And finally, DPRESSD, please talk to your doctor about switching out your meds. If weight gain is a side effect of the ones youâre on now and weight gain is making you more depressed, then it doesnât make sense to keep treating your depression with the meds youâre on now. A different med might give you the same benefits without this particular side effect.
I met someone I connected with during quarantine. Weâve all but committed to screwing our brains out after weâre given the all-clear. But she recently suffered a devastating loss. We will meet, on her terms, most likely very soon. I know I should follow her lead, but should I avoid sex even if she wants to have sex? I don't know if sex will help or hurt. Is being chaste and supportive the right move? Can sex help in a time of loss? I just donât want to be the asshole someone winds up writing to you for advice about.
Looking Over Sexual Timing
Follow her leadâthatâs a good impulseâand if she wants to have sex after youâve met in person and after youâve made it clear to her that thereâs no rush, LOST, and if you want to have sex youâve met her in person, go ahead and have sex. Some people find sex after a devastating loss to be healing and affirming and the last thing that person needs is for someone else to decide they shouldnât be having sex or even wanting to have sex. As for the all-clear youâre waiting for, well, that could be a long time off, seeing as COVID-19 rates are spiking all over the country. If you decide you canât wait for the all-clear, please consult the New York Health Departmentâs safer sex/harm-reduction recommendations for people who want to have sex during this pandemic. (Google âNew York Health,â âcoronavirus,â and âsex.â) To quickly summarize: you can minimize your risk of contracting or transmitting COVID-19 by wearing a mask, not eating ass, using condoms, and using a glory hole.
I've been dating someone long distance for seven months. Iâve been transparent about my need for an open relationship. Recently this gentleman asked me to tell him if I slept with someone else. I agreed because I'm not sleeping with anyone at the moment due to COVID-19. But since March, Iâve been having phone sex with a long-term booty call who lives across the country. Neither knows about the other and neither one knows Iâm bisexual. No big deal, right? I'm a first responder in a male-dominated field and I put up with enough bullshit without the men in my life knowing I eat pussy. How much of an asshole am I for not wanting disclosing what I don't need to?
Not Banging (Other) Dudes
Youâre being an assholeâto yourself. Hiding your bisexuality from the men youâre dating ups your odds of winding up in a relationship with someone who judges, shames, or hates you for being bisexual, NBOD, and why on earthy would you want to do that to yourself? Disclosing your bisexuality ups yours odds of attracting a guy who fetishizes your bisexuality, of course, but itâs easier to weed those guys out early than it is to leave (or divorce) some guy who reveals himself to be biphobic after youâve made a huge emotional investment in him. As for the phone sex⌠you should disclose that too. If Mr. Seven Months canât handle you having phone sex with some other guy, NBOD, he certainly wonât be able to handle you sleeping with someone else. And if he canât handle that, heâs not the right guy for a woman who wants/needs/requires an open relationship.
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