I have a question. Iâm a gay man in a relationship and weâre both really happy since we met a year ago. Weâre âopenâ in the sense that he wants the option to be intimate with someone else if a connection happens and in turn he said he would be supportive of me being involved in my kinks. But I havenât done anything yet out of fear. Iâm not afraid of my kinks. Iâm worried that if I ask to go do something kinky it will ruin our relationship. I donât think he was bluffing when he said it was okay for me to explore my kinks with other guys but it worries me. I tend to repress the kink part of my sexuality and Iâm worried that him knowing I want to act on it will cause...
Guyâs Abandoned Yearnings Subtly Undermining Bond
If your boyfriend is bluffing, GAYSUB, you wanna know that sooner rather than later.
Your still-relatively-new-ish boyfriend gave you permission to act on your kinks at the same time he asked your permission to fuck someone else. You gave him your okay and I assume you meant it, GAYSUB; you meant it when you told him he could, if and when âa connection happens,â go ahead and fuck the dude. Seeing as he took your âyesâ for an answer where his âconnectionsâ are concerned, GAYSUB, I think you should take his âyesâ for an answer where your kinks are concerned. So go find some hot Dom you wanna submit to and let your boyfriend know youâre gonna get your kink on. If it turns out your boyfriend was lying to youâif heâs one of those people who wants to be free to play with others (which is why he got your okay) but doesnât want his partner playing with others (and the okay he gave you was insincere)âitâs better to find that out twelve short months into this relationship than to find it out ten years, a mortgage, one kid, and two dogs into this relationship.
And what you describe about the void you feel is understandable to anyone with kinks, GAYSUB, and even vanilla people can understand if they think about it for even a moment. (That vanilla stuff you enjoy, vanilla people? Imagine never being able to any of it. See?) Your kinks are an intrinsic aspect of your sexuality and repressing themânot having any way to explore or express themâdoes take an emotional toll. It can also breed resentment if your partner is the reason you canât explore or express them. Which means if your boyfriend wants you to be happy and wants you to be a good boyfriend to him, then you need to have the freedom to be who you are. For some kinky people porn is enough of an outlet, GAYSUB, but most kinky people want actual experiences.
Often a vanilla partner is willing and able to meet a kinky partnerâs needs and thatâs great. But sometimes a vanilla partner canât do it or is incapable of faking it or does it poorly on purpose so they wonât be asked to do it again. And for some kinksters the awareness youâre being indulged makes it impossible for to get into the right subby headspace. If either is the case, youâll have to outsource these desires to fill that void.
If your boyfriend gives you the okay and has a little breakdown after you get homeâif it dredges up some unexpected feelings (and you should expect that it will dredge up some unexpected feelings (so expect those unexpected feelings))âand needs some reassurance, thatâs fine. Answer any questions he has and let him know youâre not going anywhere; indeed, the fact that you donât have to choose between him and your kinks makes you far less likely to end this relationship. (Sometimes people who werenât even in the dungeon during the scene need a little aftercare too.) But if you're careful not to neglect your boyfriend sexually or emotionally and your kinky dates are just an occasional thing and your boyfriend keeps having great, big, dramatic meltdowns, GAYSUB, then thatâs a bad sign. If he punishes you with drama every time he gives you his okay to play with someone else then heâs hoping youâll decide to stop seeking these experiences out because the emotional price is too great. You wonât be able to remain in this relationship if thatâs what winds up happening, GAYSUB, so youâre going to wanna act on your kinks at least a half a dozen times before you get a dog or a mortgage.
My new boyfriend just opened up to me about his kinks. Nothing crazy: just bondage and humiliation. While he usually meets and dates guys off kinky dating sites we met âthe old fashioned wayâ a few months before COVID-19 slammed us here in Chicago: at a potluck dinner party thrown by a mutual straight lady friend. Your name came up during the conversation about his interests: he told me he was taking your advice and âlaying his kink cards on the tableâ before I had made too much of an emotional commitment. Whatâs interesting to me, Dan, is how often this happens. My boyfriend is easily the fourth guy Iâve dated in the last few years who laid down the exact same kink cards: wants to be tied up, wants to be called names, wants to be hurt. Iâm learning to tie knots and getting better at calling him names when we have sex and I actually really enjoying spanking him. But I was talking with a friendâour straight lady mutual (with the boyfriendâs okay!)âand she told me sheâs never had a straight guy open up to her about wanting to be tied up abused. Are gay guys just kinkier?
Talking Over Perversions
I have a theoryâŚ
When weâre boys⌠before weâre ready to come out⌠weâre suddenly attracted to other boy. And thatâs something we usually feel pretty panicked about. It would be nice that first same-sex crush was something a boy could experience without feelings of dread or terror, TOP, but thatâs not how it works for most of us. Weâre keenly aware that should the object of our desire realize itâif the boy weâre attracted realizes what weâre feeling, if we give ourselves away with a stray lookâthe odds of that boy reacting badly or even violently are high. Even if you think the boy might not react violently, even if you suspect the boy youâre crushing on might be gay himself, the stakes are too high to risk making any sort of move. So we stew with feelings of lust and fear.
Sexual desire can make anyone feel fearful and powerlessâweâre literally powerless to control these feelings (while we can and must control how we act on these feelings)âbut desire and fear are stirred together for us gay boys to much greater degree than they are for straight boys. We fear being found out, we fear being called names, we fear being outed, we fear being physically hurt. And the person we fear most is the person we have a crush on. A significant number of gay guys wind up imprinting on that heady and very confusing mix of desire and fear. The erotic imaginations of guys like your boyfriend seize on those fears and eroticize them. And then, in adulthood, your boyfriend want to re-experience those feelings, that heady mix of desire and fear, with a loving partner he trusts. The gay boy who feared being hurt by the person he was attracted to becomes the gay man who wants to be hurtâin a limited, controlled, consensual and safe wayâby the man heâs with.
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