I'm a thirty-something gay man married to a thirty-something gay man. For almost two years, we've been seeing another pair of married gay men around our age. They were our first experience with any sexual or romantic interaction outside of our relationship. The first six months were hot and heavy. We were together constantly and having sex almost every night. After the âhoneymoon phaseâ ended, one member of the other couple (âRogerâ) wanted to slow things down. Roger and I had some conflict over this, and I have to admit that I showed a pretty bad side of myself while grappling with insecurity. Eventually, Roger pulled me aside to talk one-on-one. He wanted us to be âfriends who have sex sometimes.â
Then, right after the COVID-19 lockdown started, Roger and I had another heart-to-heart on my birthday. After...
I mean, which was it? Were we a fun sexy fling and nothing about the last two years mattered? Or was he in love with me but decided the conflict and complication of this relationship wasn't worth it? Which was it?
Trouble In The Quad
Roger doesnât want what you want.
That sucks and Iâm sorry. But weâve all been there. Falling for someone who doesnât feel as strongly for us as we do for them, whether weâre dating as couples or singles, is always painful. But that pain is an unavoidable risk. And while it may seem unfair that you can only have Roger in your life on his terms, thatâs the reality. Thatâs everyoneâs reality, TITQ, because loving someone doesnât obligate that person to love us back or love us in the same way that we love them or want the same things we want. But Roger canât impose his terms on you. If being âjust friendsâ feels like an insulting consolation prize after what the last two years has meant to you, if thatâs not good enough, then Roger doesnât get to be in your life. You can have terms too.
Backing up for a second: You seem to believe that if the relationship matteredâif Roger and his husband loved you and your husband and vice-versaâthen it wouldnât have ended. Thatâs false. Something can matter and still end. Something can also matter more to one person than it did to another person. (Or couple.) You donât have to dismiss or minimize what the four of you had because Roger has decided, for whatever reason, that being in a quad with you isnât what he wants.
And if youâre hoping to get this quad back together⌠and itâs entirely up to Roger⌠youâre going about it wrong. If Roger got cold feet due to the âconflict and complicationâ of being in a poly relationship, TITQ, then your best move is to avoid conflict and complication. If you think Roger told the truth on your birthday and lied to you the next day, then you need to demonstrate the kind of emotional maturity that makes you a more attractive partner to a person like Roger. And provoking a confrontation with Rogerâstaging a scene where youâre likely to dump up a guy who has already dumped youâwill have the opposite effect. It will only confirm for Roger the decision he has already made.
Your best betâyour best strategyâis to accept Rogerâs offer of friendship and refrain from blowing up at him. You should also tell him, just once and very calmly, that you and your husband would be open to getting back together with him and his husband. Best case scenario, the quad gets back together. Worst case scenario, you have some great memories, a whole bunch of great new friends, and maybe once in a while a hot foursome with Roger and his husband.
Two last thingsâŚ
I would love to see video of you showing the âbad sideâ of yourself to Roger. Given the way people tend to minimize their own shitty behaviorâall people do it, myself includedâIâm guessing it was/you were ugly. If youâre prone to blowing up when you donât get what you want, well, itâs understandable that someone who dislikes conflict and complication would start getting cold feet once the honeymoon phase ended. Iâm not suggesting youâre toxic or unbearableâ TITQ, only that different people have different tolerance levels for romantic conflict. But if what you want is for Roger to reconsider the decision heâs made, well, you might also wanna let him know youâre working on your approach to conflict. If you donât want Roger to regret getting the quad back together and then quickly end things again, TITQ, or for the next Roger or Rogers who come into your life to head for the hills after their honeymoon phases end, youâll talk with someone who can give you the tools to better handle conflict.
And finally, TITQ, the other two men in this quad feel strangely inertâmore like houseplants than husbands. I mean, you have nothing to say about how Rogerâs husband feels and very little to say about how yours does. Is Rogerâs husband interested in keeping the quad together? Besides not wanting to lose some new friends, does your husband give two shits? Because even if Roger decides he wants back in, TITQ, and thatâs a big if, your revived quad wonât last for long for if your houseplantsâsorry: your husbandsâarenât just as invested as you are.
The man Iâm seeing is the first person I ever opened up to about my bisexuality. Over our first year together, we had several threesomes, but we both became uncomfortable with them and one day he told me he could not have that kind of sex with a woman cares about. We quarantined together and he felt COVID-19 had forced us to rush things. We decided to spend less time together to focus on our careers, which had both taken a hit. Now we only see each every two weeks or so. I thought it could be fun to reconnect and do some more threesomes. He agreed but asked me to handle things. I found us some amazing girls. But as in the past, our threesomes led to problems. I feel threatened, he feels jealous. We fight, I cry, he gets angry and acts like an asshole. Iâm very insecure, depressed, and have spent years in therapy. The threesomes feel like too much but we have great sex when we talk about other women. Is there any way we can make this work?
Lost Into My Emotions
I feel really sorry for the women you two are having threesomes withâeven if youâre doing your very special guest stars the courtesy of waiting until they leave to break down in tears, LIME, and even if your boyfriend is polite enough to wait until theyâre gone before acting like an asshole, these women are most likely picking up on the tension and may feel conflicted about the sex after they go. If youâre having these meltdowns and blowups in front of these women, LIME, they definitely leave feeling terrible and may worry they did something wrong when itâs you two who are doing something wrong: continuing to have threesomes despite knowing they never end well.
While I donât think a woman should waste her time (or pussy) on a man who tells her he canât have âthat kind of sex,â i.e. sex she enjoys, with a woman he cares about, I can understand why you might want to keep seeing this guy. (COVID-19 is making it hard to find new partners.) But you should stop doing the thing that doesnât workâhaving threesomesâand do the thing that does work instead: talking dirty to each other about other women. And if you still want to get with women, LIME, do it solo. He doesnât need to be there for you to enjoy an amazing girl.
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