My husband recently passed away. He was a wonderful person and we had twelve great years together. He was also very, very organized. His death was an accident but everything was in order. He even left a note in a sealed envelope for his lawyer to present to me. It was one last love letter, Dan. Our relationship wasnât perfect, no relationship is, but thatâs who he was. Or thatâs who I thought he was.
My husband was a very good-looking man who took meticulous care of his body. We actually met in a gym at a hotel. He wasnât conceited, which I think may be because he didnât come into his looks until he was in his twenties, but he enjoyed the effect his appearance had on others. In addition to his last love letter and...
I knew he had exhibitionistic tendencies. Years before we met he got in legal trouble for exposing himself in a public place. He sought help for impulse control and never did something like that again. But he always had a very high libido, much higher than mine, and he masturbated frequently, and public sex remained his biggest fantasy. I didnât judge or shame him for any of that. We jokingly called masturbation âhis thangâ and sex, which we had roughly once a week, âour thang,â and one time, when it seemed safe, we did manage to have sex in public. He expressed an interest in opening up our relationship years ago but I am monogamous by nature and he agreed to keep our relationship closed. And I believe he did: Iâve read through all his messages with these strangers and there are no mentions of any meetings. Iâve seen dozens of messages from people wanted to meet in person and he always turned them down. But he never turned down a request for more photos.
Help me understand this. I canât tell anyone else about this and I hate sitting here feeling like my marriage was a lie.
Wishing Instagram Didnât Open Window
P.S. Also, men? My husband was straight. Why was he sending photos to gay men?
I am so sorry for your loss, WIDOW, and Iâm so sorry your grief has been complicated by what you found in your husbandâs Instagram account. But you shouldnât for a moment doubt the love of a man who wanted to make sure you got one last love letter if he should die unexpectedly. Thatâs not something a person would think to do for someone they didnât truly love. Your husband was who you thought he was. Your marriage wasnât a lie and your husband wasnât a liar, WIDOW, itâs just that your griefâlike you and your husband and your marriage and anything human beings do or feel or touchâis imperfect.
So far as you know, WIDOW, your husband never cheated on youâand after reading thousands of his DMs, and since your husband didnât think you would ever see those DMs, itâs safe to say you know everything. And what you know now that you didnât know before is that sharing pictures with strangers was one of your husbandâs âthangs.â
Now Iâm going to ask you to make a leap, WIDOW.
Instead of seeing what you found on Instagram as evidence of your husbandâs unfaithfulness, WIDOW, try to see it as something that made it possible for a man like your husband to remain faithful. Think of those DMs like a pressure-release valve. On Instagram your husband could expose himself to strangers who wanted to see him nakedâavoiding both consent violations and legal troubleâwithout exposing himself to the temptations of face-to-face encounters, WIDOW, temptations that mightâve led him to violate the monogamous commitment he made to you and, like all people who make monogamous commitments, sometimes struggled to keep.
One person canât be all things to another person sexually. People can ask for monogamous commitments, of course, and we all have a right to expect consideration and compassion from our partnersâand not having the needs we canât meet or the ways we fall short thrown in our faces is one way our partners demonstrate consideration and compassion. Your husband needed more attention than any one person could ever provide. He didnât rub that in your face. He cut an ethical corner by swapping DMs with strangers to meet a need you couldnâtâbut if getting that need met the way he did made it possible for him to stay in your marriage and stay faithful to you, perhaps you benefited too. And while your husband shouldâve asked for your permissionâwhile he shouldâve gotten your okayâif you had found his DMs while he was alive, WIDOW, he would no doubt ask for your forgiveness. Think of the years he gave you and the love he showed you and ask yourself if you could give him the forgiveness he would be asking for if he could. Then give himâgive yourselfâthat gift.
P.S. Your husbandâs willingness to accept attention from gay men is another sign he was one of the good guys. Straight guys who are secure in their sexuality are much more willing to accept compliments from gay men these daysâsome straight guys, like your husband, even seek them out.
P.P.S. I am, again, so very sorry for your loss.
I live in North Carolina. One of our two senators, Thom Tillis, is a Republican who tested positive for COVID-19 after cavorting with the president at the White House. But when I opened the local paper, lo and behold, the top story wasnât the ill Tillis but the admission by his Democratic opponent in the senatorial raceâCal Cunninghamâthat Cunningham had, in fact, exchanged âsextsâ with a woman who is not his wife. I braced for dick pics or kink revelations or worse when I clicked through to the website that broke the story. At the very least I expected explicit references to sex. But nope! Weâre being told to clutch our pearlsâand to vote for Tillisâover some text G-rated messages about âlots of kissingâ and a vague wish to spend a night together. I guess these laughably tame exchanges round up to salacious because both parties are married to other people. It would be funny if it werenât so sad and if it wasnât threatening the Democratsâ efforts to retake the Senate.
Voter In North Carolina Enraged
So the worry here is that the people of North Carolina are going to vote for a U.S. senator who canât open his mouth without Donald Trumpâs nutsack falling outâSenator Thom Tillisâover Cal Cunningham because Cunningham sent a few not-that-dirty text messages to a woman who isnât his wife. Sigh. Tillis has literally spent the last four years tongue-bathing the balls of a man who has cheated on every wife heâs ever had and been credibly accused of sexual assault by two dozen women. By association and proximity, Tillis has a far more scandalous record. But whoever wins the senate election in North Carolina, thereâs not enough mouth wash in the world to get the stench of Trumpâs taint off Tillisâs breath.
I sent you a letter yesterday. Today I told my husband I want a divorce. So I didnât need any advice from you after all. Once I laid it out in my letter to you and thought about the last three years and the amount of struggling with this I have gone through, I realized that it was SO. DAMN. OBVIOUS. There was no question. There was only an answer. Divorce. It has been horrible the last couple days but things are starting to feel a bit better. The worst part is the intense pain that I have caused him. He loves me so much and it is painful to tell him that I do not love him the same way. But I am holding tight to my firm belief that in a few years, he will understand that I did this out of loveâfor him and for me. Thank you. Even though you did not need to respond, just being there to write to helped.
Writing Was Enough
Iâm happy it helped just to write the letter, WWE, and I read your letter and I agree: youâre doing the right thing for yourself and your husband. Best of luck to you both.
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