Mitch McConnell awoke this morning and suddenly realized that Joe Biden will be president.
Mitch McConnell awoke this morning and suddenly realized that Joe Biden will be president. Alex Wong / Getty News

Here's your daily roundup of all the latest local and national news. (Like our coverage? Please consider making a recurring contribution to the Mercury to keep it comin'!)

• Just in the nick of time: Gov. Kate Brown is calling for a special legislative session on December 21, asking lawmakers for $800 million in relief funding for Oregonians impacted by COVID-19 and the wildfires. That includes "aid for tenants and landlords, funding for vaccine distribution and contact tracing, wildfire prevention and community preparedness, and support for reopening schools."

• Brown also added another four Oregon counties—Tillamook, Clatsop, Lincoln, Coos, and Curry—to the "extreme risk" category, meaning that the entire coast is now under additional restrictions that include closing gyms and pausing indoor dining.

• GOOD NEWS! Portland's Wilson High School—named after the segregationist and Klan-allied US president—will be renamed after one of five esteemed Black women: Harriet Wilson, Ida B. Wells, Sojourner Truth, Mercedes Deiz, or Beatrice Morrow Cannady. The school is asking for community feedback and is expected to make a final decision sometime after the first of the year.


• The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has announced that the Moderna vaccine is safe and effective, and is expected to grant emergency approval on Thursday, which means America will soon have two vaccines in the game.

• The very busy FDA has also given their approval to the first home rapid COVID test to be sold without a prescription, which is great news for expanding our testing capabilities and those who have a "nose-swabbing" fetish.

• Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell has finally, FINALLY admitted that Joe Biden won the presidential election and is asking fellow members of the eternally corrupt GOP party to stop any further attempts to overthrow the will of the people. (If he thinks he's going to get a cookie for this, he can go straight to hell—where as far as I know, there are no cookies.)

• Won't get a cookie for this, either: After months of obstruction and watching Americans suffer and die as he pushed through conservative federal judges, McConnell is now passionately vowing that lawmakers will not leave Washington for the Christmas break without voting on a COVID relief package. (He's just trying to forestall his eventual descent into hell.)

• According to the AP, president-elect Joe Biden is expected to pick former mayor and presidential rival Pete Buttigieg to head the Transportation Department, making him the first openly gay person to hold a cabinet position.

• Want to get caught up quick with all the escalating drama of the Georgia Senate elections? Then don't miss our weekly "Flipping Georgia" column! This week: early voting begins, Perdue's financial scandals, and Loeffler's awkward KKK selfie!

• Today in "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus" news: "Sick Santa and Mrs. Claus may have exposed 50 Georgia kids to Covid."

• Beloved Broadway dancer/choreographer/actor Ann Reinking (best known for her star turn as Roxie Hart in Chicago) has died at the age of 71.

• Query: You are "sexy," correct? Then submit your super sexy, five-minute dirty movie to the 2021 edition of HUMP! Deadline for submissions is January 8!

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• THE WEATHER REPORT: Expect lots of afternoon rain tomorrow with a high of 51.

• And finally, me and my friends walking to the weed store upon hearing there's a "50 percent off" sale.