We need your help. The economic fallout of the coronavirus crisis is threatening our ability to keep producing the quality reporting you've come to love. If you’re able, please consider making a monthly contribution to the Mercury.

Mar-a-Lago residents to Trump: Like the majority of Americans, WE DONT WANT YOU EITHER!
Mar-a-Lago residents to Trump: "Like the majority of Americans, WE DON'T WANT YOU EITHER!" Joe Raedle / Getty News

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Presents, what a beautiful sight. Don't mean a thing if you ain't holding me tight. You're all that I need underneath the tree. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

• The governor's office and state health officials haven't answered questions as to why Oregon received our first shipment of coronavirus vaccine two days ago, but are only starting to inoculate people today. (Other than Tennessee, we're the only state not immediately dispensing the vaccine.) In any case, the first doses will be given today starting at 11 am, in an event that will be livestreamed.

• And not a moment too soon—yesterday marked another grim record for the state with 54 deaths reported in a single 24 hour period, easily eclipsing the previous record of 36 deaths from just a week ago.

• Gov. Brown also added another four Oregon counties—Tillamook, Clatsop, Lincoln, Coos, and Curry—to the "extreme risk" category, meaning that the entire coast is now under additional restrictions that include closing gyms and pausing indoor dining.


• The Food and Drug Administration has announced that the Moderna vaccine is safe and effective, and is expected to grant emergency approval on Thursday, which means America will soon have two vaccines in the game.

• And yet, CAPITALISM STAYS ON BRAND: Wealthier countries—like the US and Britain—are snapping up the lion's share of COVID-19 shots to the point where poorer countries may have to wait months or even years to receive any at all.

• Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is in quarantine after reportedly being exposed to one of the billion maskless people he invited to his many state department holiday parties. (A quarantine room just for assholes might be nice.)

• After months of blatant obstruction from Republicans, sources say that Congress is on the cusp of agreeing on a COVID relief bill—and one that will contain stimulus checks. (In return, Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell is reportedly demanding another term for Trump in 2024, abolishing the Democratic party, and three McRib sandwiches.)

• Former CDC officials are going on the record and spilling the tea on how the Trump administration constantly tried, and was mostly successful, in subverting the agency's messaging when they offered science-based facts on how to battle the coronavirus.

• To the surprise of no one, Trump threw a Twitter pissy-fit after hearing that Mitch McConnell had accepted the results of the election—even though it took him SIX WEEKS to do so. (They don't call him Senate Majority Turtle for nothing. [But mostly because he looks like a turtle.])

• Trump voters—who can go fuck themselves, by the way—are at least partially beginning to accept that Joe Biden will be our 46th president... though they're only doing so "with reservations." Well, I can definitely say, and without reservation, they can go fuck themselves.

• After Trump gets kicked out of the White House (yay!), he's expected to live at Florida's Mar-a-Lago... but his neighbors don't want him there either, and are mounting a plan to kick his corrupt ass OUT ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

• Actor Tom Cruise reportedly read the crew of Mission Impossible 7 the riot act for violating the set's strict coronavirus protocols. (As we all know, Scientology dictates that if a member wants to reach the thetan level of "OT IV" the mask must be worn over the nose—and then pay $5,000.)

Support The Portland Mercury

• Query: You are "sexy," correct? Then submit your super sexy, five-minute dirty movie to the 2021 edition of HUMP! Deadline for submissions is January 8!

• Now let's screw our eyes skyward for the WEATHER: Expect lots of afternoon rain with a high of 51.

• And finally, the next time Trump's chuds come out to play, can we hire these amazing badasses to greet them?