MAGA chuds (and a Sexy Ninja Turtle?) get pushed around by cops on New Years Day... and DO NOT LIKE IT.
MAGA chuds (and a "Sexy Ninja Turtle"?) get pushed around by cops on New Year's Day... and DO NOT LIKE IT. Mathieu Lewis-Rolland

Here's your daily roundup of all the latest local and national news. (Like our coverage? Please consider making a recurring contribution to the Mercury to keep it comin'!)

• Happy New Year, y'all! Let's catch up, shall we? On New Year's Eve, around 100 Portlanders gathered downtown to demonstrate against police violence, an event that ended with looting, vandalism, and small fires. Shaking his finger in the air, Mayor Ted Wheeler vowed to increase penalties for people repeatedly arrested for protest-related vandalism—though didn't make a similar vow about repeat abusers within the police department. (Apparently someone didn't do a lot of self-reflection over the holidays.)

• Meanwhile on January 1, about 200 right-wing Trump chuds met in Salem to oppose the state government's COVID-19 safety restrictions and spread false information about the virus' spread in Oregon. Three were arrested, but the true joy came from watching the chuds' slow, dawning revelation that the police are getting tired of turning a blind eye to their dumb-butt shenanigans.

• Today in WHOOPSY: Portland Police allowed an attempted murder suspect to escape a holding cell at the downtown Justice Center... but they're blaming it on the cleaning crew, OF COURSE. When will you people learn that nothing is EVER the cops' fault?

• The slow rollout of Oregon's COVID vaccines are hampering the governor's plans for certain districts to reopen schools for in-class learning by February.

• Rep. Janelle Bynum is renouncing her bid to become Oregon's next House Speaker (thereby clearing the way for current speaker Tina Kotek to hold on to the seat) in exchange for new rules that will make it easier for POC lawmakers to gain top leadership opportunities.

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• Trump had a busy weekend, trying to coerce and threaten the Georgia Secretary of State into "finding 11,780 votes" in yet another corrupt (and almost certainly illegal) attempt to overturn the election. But get this! Trump attempted to call Georgia's SoS a whopping 18 times before this failed attempt. (I guess the 19th time wasn't the charm.)

• Speaking of Georgia... PANIC!! Tomorrow (January 5) is the double runoff election that will decide who controls the Senate, and of course, there's lots of insane last minute news to chew on, including Trump, Biden, and mama's boy Pence converging on the state today, and a sudden influx of new young voters. Get all the latest details from our weekly "Flippin' Georgia" news roundup!

• The National Guard is being called out in Washington, DC in advance of a planned rally on January 6 of Trump-loving butter dicks who want Congress to ignore the fact that Biden won both the electoral and popular vote. Meanwhile, Republican members of the Senate are having slap-fights over whether or not they should attempt to overturn the election this week. (All I'm saying is that if this were happening in Shakespeare's day, they'd all poison each other and we'd be done with it.)

• Medical experts are floating the idea of administering only one of the two-dose COVID vaccines to young people in order to extend the country's limited supply.

• British Prime Minister (and bed-head enthusiast) Boris Johnson has declared another national lockdown until at least mid-February to fight the quickening spread of the new mutated strain of the coronavirus.

• Trump is planning on presenting the highly respected Presidential Medal of Freedom to two of the most disrespectful pieces of shit currently serving in Congress, Rep. Devin Nunes and Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan. These two wet bags of moldy laundry are receiving the award for their unfailing support of the president's open corruption, as well as spending the last four years with their lips securely attached to Trump's anus. Hey, it's a living!

• Thanks goes out to office chat system Slack for inadvertently extending my holiday for two full hours this morning after temporarily crashing and throwing various businesses into panic. Rest assured I definitely spent the time diligently working and not returning to my bed to sleep and having a delicious dream about sampling various maple syrups.

• RIP Alexi Laiho, former member of acclaimed Scandinavian metal band Children of Bodom, who has died at the age of 41.

• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! Tickets are now on sale for the super sexy HUMP! 2021 Film Festival, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets now!

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• THE WEATHER REPORT: A cloudy morning and rainy afternoon tomorrow with a high of 48.

• And finally, here's the first, last, and only impersonation of Mitch McConnell you will ever need.