Trump... suspended?!? Now where will I get my daily invoking of violence?!?
"Trump... suspended?!? Now where will I get my daily invoking of violence?!?" Justin Sullivan / Getty News

Here's your daily roundup of all the latest local and national news. (Like our coverage? Please consider making a recurring contribution to the Mercury to keep it comin'!)

• The fallout from Wednesday's failed coup of the Washington DC Capitol building by violent Trump supporters continues. Here's the latest:

• House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has issued a final warning to Trump: Either resign now or face an impeachment vote next week. Sen. Lisa Murkowski of Alaska is the first Republican to call for the president to resign, saying, "I want him out." (SAME!) Meanwhile Trump hasn't said anything other than he won't be attending Biden's inauguration—which I guess means he won't get a gift bag!

• To the surprise of no one, Trump extremists are planning on attending Biden's inauguration—but unlike the Capitol, this event will be guarded by the FBI, Secret Service, and more who will not be putting up with an ounce of traitorous bullshit.

• Here's a headline I'm glad was written: "Pelosi says she spoke to top general about ensuring Trump doesn’t launch nuclear attack." OH WHAT AN EXCITING TIME IN WHICH WE LIVE!

• One Capitol police officer has died from injuries sustained in the chud attack—the fifth person to perish during the altercation. Another of the dead was Trump supporter Ashlii Babbett who was shot in the neck and later died after trying to force her way into the Speaker's Lobby, and the Washington Post has obtained disturbing video of the hectic incident.

• Loser douchebag insurrectionist Richard Barnett—the Trump-supporting chode and butter dick who was pictured lounging on Nancy Pelosi's desk during the domestic terrorist attack on the Capitol—has been found and arrested. Do the shirtless turd with the horns next, please!

• Those who have resigned following Trump's domestic terrorist team's insurrection includes the Capitol Police chief, as well as Education Secretary Betsy DeVos and Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao, both of whom suddenly grew a conscience 13 days before they'd be leaving anyway. Profiles in courage, indeed!

• Finally, finally, FINALLY: Twitter has banned Trump from its platform permanently! (Now get me an edit button and we'll call it good.)

• The most infuriating headline of the day (thus far): "Republican senators now regret not doing more to contain Trump." Maybe Satan will buy this pathetic excuse as they BURN IN HELL.

• You hate to see it: Butt-smooching Trump sycophant Lindsey Graham was harassed and called a "traitor" by the president's supporters at an airport for the crime of publicly disagreeing with their idiot leader. In response, Graham sang, "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll eat some worms."

• Following the bad news of a new COVID national death record yesterday (more than 4,000 in a single day), something hopeful: The makers of the Pfizer vaccine say a new study indicates that their product will also work against the two new mutated coronavirus strains.

• Chuck Schumer is your next presumptive Senate Majority Leader... but what do you really know about him? Contributor Matt Baume lays out the pros and cons of this longtime political figure—as well as some juicy, fun facts! (He's related to comedian Amy Schumer? DID NOT KNOW THAT!)

• Quick-tempered, former Los Angeles Dodger manager Tommy Lasorda has died at the ripe old age of 93—but whether he goes to heaven or hell, you know he's going to argue the call.


• The Oregon Health Authority announced that the coronavirus is surging again in the state, with 1,755 new cases reported in a single day—and it ain't slowing down.

• Mayor Ted Wheeler is now walking back the harsh (probably unconstitutional!) recommendations for dealing with protesters who harm property, which included stiffer penalties and increased surveillance of known demonstrators. Again, probably unconstitutional!

• Oregon's Democratic US Rep. Kurt Schrader has apologized for comparing the removal of Trump from office to a "lynching." Needless to say the comparison was NOT well received, and the famously contrarian Democrat was deservedly lambasted from all corners.

• In other dumb-butt state legislator moves: Republican Oregon lawmaker, Rep. Mike Nearman, has been caught on tape letting a group of violent Trump chuds into the state capitol building on December 21, allowing them to breach a special session, terrorize lawmakers, and injure an officer. But did Nearman also out himself and his allegedly dangerous behavior on his own Facebook page? MAAAAAYYYYYBEEEE. Our Blair Stenvick has more!

• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! Tickets are now on sale for the super sexy HUMP! 2021 Film Festival, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets now!

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• THE WEATHER REPORT: Expect a dry Saturday and mostly dry Sunday with highs in the upper-40s and low-50s.

• And finally, thinking about joining other Trump supporters to engage in a life of crime? HEED THIS VERY GOOD ADVICE.