Nancy Pelosi, handing Trump his ass for a second time.
Nancy Pelosi, handing Trump his ass for a second time. Stefani Reynolds / Getty Images

Here's your daily roundup of all the latest local and national news. (Like our coverage? Please consider making a recurring contribution to the Mercury to keep it comin'!)

• Justice is served... AGAIN! Donald Trump has been impeached for an embarrassing and historic second time for the traitorous crime of "incitement of insurrection" in which he encouraged his simpleton followers to storm the nation's Capitol which led to the deaths of five, including one police officer. Even better, along with 222 Democrats, 10 Republicans (not heroes, just buttholes who happened to do a single, decent thing) voted in favor of impeachment, which may not sound like a lot—but it's a clear signal that the GOP's lockstep with Trump is definitely stumbling.

• Meanwhile, the "obstruction general" and current Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell is pooh-poohing any notion that the Senate could vote to convict Trump before he leaves office, because... well, it's not like they're trying to ram through a Supreme Court justice or something!

• Citing very real safety concerns, around 15,000 National Guard members are being sent to Washington, DC to guard the inauguration festivities—and many of them will be armed. Meanwhile the Secret Service says they are even "throwing the kitchen sink at this event" making the inauguration one of the most protected affairs in modern history.

• Today in OH, HELL NO: Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez revealed yesterday that she experienced a "close encounter" during the Capitol attack and did not know "if I was going to make it to the end of that day alive." If the chuds don't want to see the rest of us flip over the game table, they'd best not lay a finger on our AOC!

• A gold medal-winning Olympic swimmer, Klete Keller, was arrested today for participating in the domestic terrorist siege of the Capitol last week. See? Olympians can be chuds, too! (I suppose I already knew that.)

• A "Stop the Steal" right-wing organizer of the Capitol tragedy claims that he had some help putting it together—from Trump-supporting GOP Representatives Andy Biggs, Mo Brooks, and Paul Gosar. Can't remember exactly where I've heard this phrase before, but "LOCK. THEM. UP!"

• Happy headline of the day: "Parler CEO says social media app, favored by Trump supporters, may not return." A suggested addition to this headline: "And don't let the door hit your ass on the way out."

• Actor Jessica Campbell, best known for her roles in Freaks and Geeks and Election, has died at the age of 38. Here's a clip of her famous "Who cares??" speech from Election.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Republican Rep. Mike Nearman, Oregon lawmaker and chud supporter, was caught dead to rights opening a state capitol door to let in a crowd of dangerous right-wing thugs while the legislature was in session. So! Was he sorry for his wildly dangerous behavior? HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! What do you think? (Spoiler alert: He denied everything and blamed everyone else for his self-inflicted woes, as expected from someone of such low moral character.)

• The City of Portland is currently in negotiations with the Portland Police Association, the union for the rank-and-file members of the police, and an absolutely terrible, corrupt institution that has had the city over the barrel for years, and who will probably defend their brutal, systemic racism until their welcome demise. (Yes, I have feelings about these guys.) If nothing else, read this on-the-nose thread that aptly reveals how corrupt they really are.

• Despite being one of the few changes the city enacted toward police reform—one insisted upon by Commish Jo Ann Hardesty—Mayor Ted Wheeler seriously considered bringing back the Gun Violence Reduction Team, famous for disproportionately targeting Black Portlanders. Though he allegedly decided against reinstating the team, he's apparently still considering "all options."

• According to the Oregon Health Authority, the state tied its record yesterday for most COVID deaths reported in a single day with 54 people passing away from the virus, and 1,203 new positive cases. Meanwhile Gov. Brown moved three more counties to the highest level "extreme risk" category, and announced that, starting January 23, Oregonians age 65 and over along with teachers can start getting the coronavirus vaccine, which is much early than previously planned.

• The pandemic caused the shut down of the beloved Bridges Cafe in Northeast Portland—but the community lost a lot more than just a restaurant. Contributor Abe Asher has this fascinating deep dive into how the closing of one restaurant is a microcosm for how communities across the city are affected.

• Miss the live concert-going experience? Then DO NOT MISS the new Mercury Music Series, featuring livestream performances by your fave Portland artists—debuting with the fantastic BLOSSOM! Coming at you January 28!

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• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! Tickets are now on sale for the super sexy HUMP! 2021 Film Festival, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets now!

• THE WEATHER REPORT: Another on 'n' off sunny day tomorrow and a high of 54.

• And finally, in this metaphor, House Republicans are the pearlfish, and Trump is the anus (of course).