Oh lord! Please stop the police from ruining our racist, traitorous fun this weekend.
"Oh lord! Please stop the police from ruining our racist, traitorous fun this weekend." Win McNamee/Getty Images

Here's your daily roundup of all the latest local and national news. (Like our coverage? Please consider making a recurring contribution to the Mercury to keep it comin'!)

• CHUD ALERT: According to various racist squealings on social media, right-wing extremists are DEFINITELY planning to show up armed and ready to do god-knows-what this weekend at state capitols around the country, saying they simply can't wait to get arrested for inauguration day. Meanwhile, many of the nation's airlines have banned guns on flights going into DC before the inauguration—a fact that will surely sadden those who claim guns are their emotional support animals.

• In other deplorable chud news: According to the Washington Post, "dozens" of chuds on the FBI's terrorist watch list were in attendance during the Trump-inspired Capitol siege last week. Oh, and as it turns out, the majority of those terrorist chuds were also (SURPRIIIIIISE!!) suspected white supremacists with violent histories. Chalk up another intelligence failure that led to the deaths of five people including a police officer.

• A Pennsylvania Trump chud (and former firefighter!) has been arrested for striking a police officer with a fire extinguisher during the Capitol siege last week. Meanwhile, the traitorous chud who was wandering around the Capitol carrying his racist Confederate flag has turned himself in to the FBI—before they could drag him out of a Ku Klux Klan meeting, probably.

• Hilariously, according to a report from the NYT, Trump had to be talked out of stomping over to Congress to defend himself in person during the impeachment hearings. OHHHH, why did they stop him?? Why is everyone always trying to ruin a good time??

• In "headlines that read like breath of fresh air": "Trump is isolated and angry at aides for failing to defend him as he is impeached again."

• According to a government watchdog report, Justice Department leaders (such as former Attorney General/shamed Keebler Elf Jeff Sessions) knew their "zero tolerance" policy would separate migrant children from their parents, but went along with Trump's racist plan anyway. Lock... them... UP.

• In a speech tonight, Prez-elect Joe Biden will be trotting out a $1.9 trillion COVID relief plan that includes lots of money for vaccine distribution, as well as $1,400 stimulus checks—which along with the MEASLY $600 we received from those miserly Republicans will equal the $2,000 sweet spot.

• The ex-governor of Michigan and eight other officials have FINALLY been charged for their role in the Flint water crisis that first started in 2014, killed 12, and disproportionately affected BIPOC communities.

• In other "some justice at last" news: New York Attorney General/national hero Letitia James is suing the NYPD for years of committing civil rights abuses, including those that occurred during the George Floyd protests of last summer.

• In "Black excellence" news: Jaime Harrison—who had the support of the nation when he unsuccessfully ran last year against pee-hole Lindsey Graham in South Carolina—has been picked to be the new head of the Democratic National Committee by Joe Biden.

• Siegfried Fischbacher—of the famed Vegas magic and tiger act, Siegfried and Roy—has died at the age of 81. Also passed: Joanne Rogers, the wife of the greatest human alive Mr. Rogers, has died at the age of 92.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Today in "GET IT TOGETHER, PEOPLE": The tracking system that Oregon is using to administer the desperately needed COVID vaccines are "a mess," according to this report from the O, which also states that some distribution locations have too much (200,000 doses allegedly haven't been used) or none at all.

• The FBI is setting up a command center in Portland this week to prepare for any right-wing shenanigans in the state capitol or federal buildings this weekend. Meanwhile Oregon legislators are delaying their first day back in session because of potential threats, as the National Guard is rolling out to patrol the state capitol in Salem. (This could potentially be a very bad weekend to be a chud.)

• Get out of those pajamas and brush your hair, kids! Portland Public Schools is now eyeing January 25 as a day when some students can resume in-person learning.

• Miss the live concert-going experience? Then DO NOT MISS the new Mercury Music Series, featuring livestream performances by your fave Portland artists—debuting with the fantastic BLOSSOM! Coming at you January 28!

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• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! Tickets are now on sale for the super sexy HUMP! 2021 Film Festival, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets now!

• THE WEATHER REPORT: Possibility of morning showers tomorrow and a high of 51.

• And finally, "but... but... without landlords who will pay for the mortgage??" This song explains who will pay for the mortgage.