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QAnon Shaman was one of the terrorist leaders who, according to investigators, planned to capture and assassinate elected officials.
"QAnon Shaman" was one of the terrorist leaders who, according to investigators, planned to "capture and assassinate elected officials." Win McNamee/Getty Images

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! The doctors say you're no good, but people say what they wanna say. And you should know if I could, I'd breathe you in every single day. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

• Today in "YIKES": The pro-Trump domestic terrorists, who had highly trained ex-military and cops among their ranks during last Wednesday's Capitol attack, came dangerously close (within seconds, in fact) to confronting Vice President Mike Pence as he was trying to escape. It was a very frightening situation as Trump had inspired the calls from chuds that Pence should be "hanged" for refusing to overturn the counting of the electoral votes.

• Before you consider dismissing the rioters' actions as just the antics of an undisciplined mob, check this out: Investigators have discovered that some of the alleged terrorist leadership, including the recently arrested and horned "QAnon Shaman," had a plan going in, and that "the intent of the Capitol rioters was to capture and assassinate elected officials in the United States government." Double YIKES.

• More YIKES: After a DC police officer was tasered by the pro-Trump terrorists, the chuds began stripping him of all his equipment. Says the cop, "Some guys started getting a hold of my gun and they were screaming out, 'Kill him with his own gun.'" So wait... "Blue lives don't matter?"

• Need more proof that the Capitol marauders were flat-out terrorists? According to the Washington Post, "dozens" of chuds on the FBI's terrorist watch list were in attendance during the Trump-inspired Capitol siege last week. Oh, and as it turns out, the majority of those terrorist chuds were also (SURPRIIIIIISE!!) suspected white supremacists with violent histories.

• The various arms of the Justice Department are under investigation for what they did or (more accurately) did not do to plan for the colossal failure that was protecting the Capitol building and the lawmakers inside from deadly domestic terrorists.

• Headline: "A Republican senator from Oklahoma apologizes to Black constituents for seeking to disenfranchise them." Before we even BEGIN to consider anything close to "unity," do any more Republicans have anything they'd like to say?

• According to a government watchdog report, Justice Department leaders (such as former Attorney General/shamed Keebler Elf Jeff Sessions) knew their "zero tolerance" policy would separate migrant children from their parents, but went along with Trump's racist plan anyway. Lock... them... UP.

• Prez-elect Joe Biden trotted out his $1.9 trillion COVID relief plan that includes lots of money for vaccine distribution, as well as $1,400 stimulus checks—which along with the MEASLY $600 we received from those miserly Republicans would equal the $2,000 suggested by Dems.

• Yet another colossal Trump administration failure: After announcing the government would begin releasing the second doses of COVID vaccine that were being held in reserve, they discovered (WHOOPSY!) there are no doses being held in reserve.

• Adolfo “Shabba-Doo” Quiñones, the street dancing star of the classic '80s movie Breakin', has died at the age of 65. Here's Shabba-Doo in action. Also passed: Sylvain Sylvain, guitarist for the pioneering glam rock band New York Dolls, is dead at age 69.


• After a COVID delay, the city has returned to the bargaining table with the Portland Police Association, the union representing rank-and-file officers, and they wasted no time demanding several significant changes (that the cops will not like) that include allowing the city to decide who gets to discipline officers. Our Alex Zielinski breaks it all down for you.

• The tracking system that Oregon is using to administer the desperately needed COVID vaccines are "a mess," according to this report from the O, which also states that some distribution locations have too much (200,000 doses allegedly haven't been used) or none at all. The good news? Oregon has reached it's goal of vaccinating 12,000 people per day—though officials recognize it's now time to expand that number.

• The FBI is setting up a command center in Portland this week to prepare for any right-wing shenanigans in the state capitol or federal buildings this weekend. Meanwhile Oregon legislators are delaying their first day back in session because of potential threats, as the National Guard is rolling out to patrol the state capitol in Salem. (This could potentially be a very bad weekend to be a chud.)

• Miss the live concert-going experience? Then DO NOT MISS the new Mercury Music Series, featuring livestream performances by your fave Portland artists—debuting with the fantastic BLOSSOM! Coming at you January 28!

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• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! Tickets are now on sale for the super sexy HUMP! 2021 Film Festival, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets now!

• THE WEATHER REPORT: Possibility of morning showers today with a high of 51.

• And finally, MORE SEA SHANTIES, PLEASE! (Apple eating is allowed.)