LOOK! Its a plan! ITS AN ACTUAL COVID PLAN!!! Squeeeeeeee!!!
LOOK! It's a plan! IT'S AN ACTUAL COVID PLAN!!! Squeeeeeeee!!! Alex Wong / Getty News

Here's your daily roundup of all the latest local and national news. (Like our coverage? Please consider making a recurring contribution to the Mercury to keep it comin'!)

• President Biden (aaaaah, still such a relief to write that), after sadly noting that the nation's COVID death toll will probably top 500,000 next month, announced his “full-scale wartime effort” plan to get the country's pandemic under control, which includes invoking the Defense Production Act, as well as asking for more workplace protections, requirements for masks on planes, trains, and buses, and quarantines for international travelers coming into the United States. Guys... it's a plan! IT'S AN ACTUAL PLAN!!

• FAUCI UNLEASHED! Now that he's finally out from underneath the anti-science thumb of Trump, Dr. Anthony Fauci is a new man, and casting some shade on his former corrupt boss. And is that a new hairstyle? Fresh!

• Biden has been signing soooo many executive orders, but here's a personal fave: protecting gay and transgender people from discrimination at work, schools, in healthcare, and more! (Yeah, but who's going to protect you from all these hearts shooting out of my eyes?)

• Here's the only Trump news you want to hear: Nancy Pelosi says the impeachment trial for that orange traitor will start "soon" and she's determined to make it happen. Of course, professional obstructionist and Senate MINORITY Turtle Mitch McConnell is trying to tap the brakes. Meanwhile, co-traitor Sen. Lindsay Graham seems to still have a direct line to the former president because he says Trump has already hired a lawyer. (Unfortunately, it's NOT pants-tugging dolt, Rudy Ghouliani!)

• Well, this is chilling: The brother of Michael Flynn—QAnon champion and corrupt Trump cohort—was on the call when the Army refused to send help to the Capitol Police when they and lawmakers were under siege from domestic terrorists on January 6... even though officials sternly and repeatedly denied he was on the call! You know... it's almost like they're covering something up!

• Sorry, QAnon crackpots and right-wing chuds! A judge has denied Parler's request for Amazon to reinstate the social media platform's web service. (Have you considered MySpace? All the cool kids use it!)

• Speaking of QAnon dupes, Georgia Rep. Marjorie Greene (and believer in pedophile lizard people) said she's filed articles of impeachment against President Biden, only one day after being sworn into office. HAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAAA! On behalf of all Lizard People, her scheme shall fail!

• While he may be pursuing an arms deal with the Russians, Biden hasn't forgotten about their election meddling, Solarwind hacking, and alleged bounties on US troops, and is launching an investigation into their bullshit. In a related story, Vladimir Putin is in the market for a new puppet and is scouring LinkedIn.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• On the one year anniversary of COVID's first arrival in Oregon, Gov. Kate Brown delivered an online "state of the state" address in which she attempted to inspire Oregonians to keep pushing and keep their heads up as the virus will continue plaguing the state for months.

• I guess the honeymoon's over, Joe! Our Alex Zielinski was at a Portland protest against police brutality yesterday afternoon that was decidedly not pro-Biden—and, surprise surprise, the Portland Police Bureau was very quick to show up and make matters worse.

• Protests continued last night, this time in front of the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) facility in Southwest Portland, where officers were quick to (over)respond with impact munitions and tear gas on the crowd of over 100 people.

• So far Clackamas County Commissioner Mark Shull has defied fellow lawmakers and refused to resign after making online racist/transphobic remarks—however, one Milwaukie councilperson has a clever idea to get rid of this jerk: defund his position.

• Lovejoy Surgicenter began providing abortions in Portland around the same time the Supreme Court passed Roe v Wade, but it closed last week. This story by our own Blair Stenvick reflects on its legacy, and the big (though temporary) gaps in abortion access left by its closure.

• Miss the live concert-going experience? Then DO NOT MISS the new Mercury Music Series, featuring livestream performances by your fave Portland artists—debuting with the fantastic BLOSSOM! Coming at you January 28!

• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! Tickets are now on sale for the super sexy HUMP! 2021 Film Festival, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets now!

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• THE WEATHER REPORT: A nice sunny day tomorrow with a high of 48!

• And finally, okay guys! No more Bernie Sanders memes! WE MEAN IT! (Okay, fine, one more.)