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Can someone deliver these articles of impeachment to the Senate by Monday, please? Oh, and also tell Mitch McConnell to eff off.
"Can someone deliver these articles of impeachment to the Senate by Monday, please? Oh, and also tell Mitch McConnell to eff off." Stefani Reynolds / Getty Images

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! If you feel like dancing, well come on, it's up to you. We got the sound to keep you getting down, down... the train is coming through. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

• JUSTICE IS COMING FOR DONALD TRUMP: Nancy Pelosi says the articles of impeachment against our wildly corrupt former president will be delivered to the Senate on MONDAY, much to the chagrin of professional obstructionist and Senate MINORITY Turtle Mitch McConnell who was trying to tap the brakes. The actual trial could be delayed to allow Trump time to mount his indefensible defense.

• It's gonna be another YUUUGE day for President Biden. Yesterday, he announced a plan—an actual for-real COVID prevention plan!—which included invoking the Defense Production Act, as well as asking for more workplace protections, requirements for masks on planes, trains, and buses, and quarantines for international travelers coming into the United States. (Experts LOVE this plan, btw.) Today he's pushing a financial relief plan for Americans that includes expanding food stamps, boosting unemployment, and clearing a path for federal workers to make a $15 minimum wage.

• Speaking of big ideas, Biden's new immigration plan includes providing a lot more protections for children crossing the border, along with letting them apply for refugee or asylum status, and more humane treatment of migrants. But SURPRISE! Racist Republicans hate that idea, and it may be tough to get (or rather, find) 10 non-racist GOP Senators to hop onboard with the plan.

• Speaking of corrupt Republicans who are unfit to serve, Capitol Police are investigating whether GOP Rep. Andy Harris tried to sneak a gun onto the House floor. Meanwhile, Democrats are launching an ethics investigation into GOP pee-holes Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley for their involvement in the domestic terrorist attack on the Capitol.

• Some governors are rightly mad that their National Guard members who were deployed to protect the inauguration were sent to sleep in a (eww) parking garage. While the soldiers were eventually invited back into the Capitol, three governors are bringing their troops home.

• GOOD NEWS: Retired Gen. Lloyd Austin has been confirmed as the first Black secretary of defense. ALSO GOOD NEWS: "White House website allows users to specify pronouns for first time."

• MORE GOOD NEWS: Trump has left the Oval Office to return to running his hotels and resorts, which (uh-oh!) are now in dire financial shape including losing more than $120 million in revenue last year, as well as the defection of lots of longtime bankers and customers due to his horrible, corrupt reputation. (Bad news for him, good news for us!)

• BAD NEWS: Comedian Dave Chappelle has tested positive for coronavirus (but he's asymptomatic), and had to cancel a slate of shows. GOOD NEWS: Podcasting shit-head Joe Rogan, who was also on the tour, had his shows cancelled as well. HA-HA-HA.

• SAD NEWS:


IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Oregon has been making big strides in setting up operational vaccine distribution sites—now the problem is not having enough doses to make them efficient. For example, the site at the Oregon Convention Center is prepared to vaccinate 7,500 people a day, but can only give around 2,000 doses.

• So far Clackamas County Commissioner Mark Shull has defied fellow lawmakers and refused to resign after making online racist/transphobic remarks—however, one Milwaukie councilperson has a clever idea to get rid of this jerk: defund his position.

• Lovejoy Surgicenter began providing abortions in Portland around the same time the Supreme Court passed Roe v Wade, but it closed last week. This story by our own Blair Stenvick reflects on its legacy, and the big (though temporary) gaps in abortion access left by its closure.

• Miss the live concert-going experience? Then DO NOT MISS the new Mercury Music Series, featuring livestream performances by your fave Portland artists—debuting with the fantastic BLOSSOM! Coming at you January 28!

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• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! Tickets are now on sale for the super sexy HUMP! 2021 Film Festival, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets now!

• THE WEATHER REPORT: Expect a nice sunny day with a high of 48!

• And finally, welp! I guess I'm going to be following Russian teen TikTokers now.