Okay... thirty executive orders... my hands cramping up.
"Okay... thirty executive orders... my hand's cramping up." Alex Wong / Getty News

Here's your daily roundup of all the latest local and national news. (Like our coverage? Please consider making a recurring contribution to the Mercury to keep it comin'!)

• Wooo-wooo, here comes the IMPEACHMENT TRAIN: Nancy Pelosi says the articles of impeachment against our wildly corrupt former president will be delivered to the Senate on MONDAY, but don't pop the champagne just yet—the actual trial will be delayed until February 8 to allow Trump time to mount his indefensible defense. However, sneaky Dems are already talking about the possibility of invoking the 14th Amendment to make sure Trump never holds public office again!

• It was another busy day for Busy Bee Biden (hope he doesn't mind that nickname) who, after launching a long-overdue (but scientist approved) COVID prevention plan yesterday, today brought forth a much-needed financial relief plan for Americans that includes expanding food stamps, boosting unemployment, and clearing a path for federal workers to make a $15 minimum wage. Tomorrow I'd like him to declare the Philly Cheesesteak the "national sandwich." FIGHT ME!

• Speaking of big ideas, Biden's new immigration plan includes providing a lot more protections for children crossing the border, along with letting them apply for refugee or asylum status, and more humane treatment of migrants. But SURPRISE! Racist Republicans hate that idea, and it may be tough to get (or rather, find) 10 non-racist GOP Senators to hop onboard with the plan.

• Biden's cabinet picks (while not perfect, I'll admit) are overall pretty damn good (you'll have to admit): Retired Gen. Lloyd Austin has been confirmed as the first Black secretary of defense.

• Ohh-kay, well, this is not great news: Denmark has been studying the new variant virus that has overtaken the UK, and discovered it is not responding to the normal ways of slowing a pandemic (such as a lockdown), and cases are increasing 70 percent per week. Meanwhile the US, who has not been studying it as hard, has no fucking idea how fast it's spreading. Have a fun weekend!

• Watch out, right-wing Trump chuds: "White House orders intelligence agencies to look at violent extremism in the U.S."

• Oh! Speaking of right-wing chuds: The Capitol domestic terrorist known as QAnon Shaman (the asshole wearing the horns and the furry man-kini) is now claiming he was "duped" by Trump which caused him to "make decisions he should not have made." I assume he's not talking about his outfit.

• The mighty Hank Aaron, home-run king and important voice for civil rights, has died at the age of 86.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Oregon is only one of two states to prioritize teachers over senior citizens when it comes to COVID vaccine distribution, a move that some are calling a "death sentence" for the elderly. Today Gov. Kate Brown took a swing at explaining why she went with making that very unusual choice. Her answer was not exactly satisfying.

• Oregon has been making big strides in setting up operational vaccine distribution sites—now the problem is not having enough doses to make them efficient. For example, the site at the Oregon Convention Center is prepared to vaccinate 7,500 people a day, but can only give around 2,000 doses.

• The city of Portland has announced plans to close Hazelnut Grove, the five-year-old tiny home village built by houseless people in the city. Our Alex Zielinski took a hard look at this complicated tale, and while Hazelnut Grove may not be around for much longer, she explains how the village's ability to meet a crisis with creativity pushed Portland to embrace and expand other village-style alternative shelters.

• Miss the live concert-going experience? Then DO NOT MISS the new Mercury Music Series, featuring livestream performances by your fave Portland artists—debuting with the fantastic BLOSSOM! Coming at you January 28!

• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! Tickets are now on sale for the super sexy HUMP! 2021 Film Festival, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets now!

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• THE WEATHER REPORT: A mostly sunny Saturday and showery Sunday with highs in the low-to-mid 40s!

• And finally, I'm pretty sure Trump has never incited anything of the sort!