We need your help. The economic fallout of the coronavirus crisis is threatening our ability to keep producing the quality reporting you've come to love. If you’re able, please consider making a monthly contribution to the Mercury.

How DARE Congress strip our glorious leader, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, of her committee chairs? I shall show my displeasure by eating this Democrats femur!
"How DARE Congress strip our glorious leader, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, of her committee chairs? I shall show my displeasure by eating this Democrat's femur!" THEPALMER / Getty Images

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! You're the one that I've been waiting for. Gotta quit this crying, nobody's gonna heal me, if I don't open the door. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

• Let's kick things off with some good news! Johnson & Johnson has filed for emergency approval for their one-dose'll-do-it COVID vaccine, which could bring us 100 million more doses by June. More good news! According to a new study, the AstraZeneca vaccine appears to be effective against the new scary and highly transmissible UK variant.

• The Democrats, with a special guest appearance by tie-breaker Veep Kamala Harris, passed a budget resolution very early this morning that paves the way for a vote on Biden's $1.9 trillion COVID aid package. The budget resolution will now go back to the House, where there will be a quick, decisive vote. AHHHHH, don't you love it when the obstructionists get obstructed?

• Meanwhile Republicans got trounced again in the House, which overwhelmingly (and even with a small skootch of GOP support) stripped QAnon crackpot/conspiracy theorist Marjorie Taylor Greene of her committee seats. Naturally, Greene whined like a spoiled brat and blamed everyone else for her troubles, but no one listened or cared, because she believes in Satanic pedophile lizard people.

• Speaking of punishing lying liars: Voting tech company Smartmatic has slapped FOX News (and co-conspirator/pants-tugger Rudy Ghouliani) with a $2.7 billion lawsuit for their intentional election "disinformation campaign" that they say put their company in danger—and legal observers are saying that the lawsuit has real teeth.

• In the latest report, the US only added a meager 49,000 jobs in January, which Biden says is proof enough that Congress needs to pass a big, sweeping COVID aid package.

• For all of those out there with a boring podcast (or fear that their podcast is boring, which it probably is), former Veep Mike Pence is riding to the rescue by launching the most fucking BORING podcast on the planet. ("You're welcome," he says.)

• Wisconsin prosecutors are asking for an arrest warrant and bond increase for accused teenage Kenosha protest murderer Kyle Rittenhouse (unbelievably released from jail pending trial), who refused to notify authorities of his change in address, and was seen partying with Proud Boys in a bar wearing a shirt that read "Free as Fuck." Let's make him wear a different T-shirt... I'm thinking of something with horizontal stripes.

• Congrats to former WWE superstar Gabbi Tuft—known for her signature move, the "Burning Hammer"—who has come out as transgender.


• Today the Oregon legislature will be deciding the fate of Rep. Diego Hernandez, who is accused of harassment and controlling, abusive treatment toward women co-workers—and expulsion is definitely on the table.

• After months of the police firing dangerous, chemical tear gas at protesters and reporters, as well as into neighborhoods and schoolyards, Oregon state Rep. Janelle Bynum is introducing one of the strongest bills in the nation that would ban the cops from using it.

• Today in yet another staggering display of entitlement: The Providence hospital system has admitted to showing preferential treatment to hospital administrators and donors, giving them the vaccine back in December and January.

• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! The HUMP! 2021 Film Festival is NOW STREAMING ONLINE, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets pronto!

• Now let's screw our eyes up to the skies for the WEATHER: A chance of showers today with a high of 48!

Support The Portland Mercury

• And finally, one question: WHY DID THE GOLDEN GLOBES SNUB THIS FILM??