Lou Dobbs is fired from FOX News... but maybe theres an opening for Crypt Keeper?
Lou Dobbs is fired from FOX News... but maybe there's an opening for Crypt Keeper? Alex Wong / Getty News

Here's your daily roundup of all the latest local and national news. (Like our coverage? Please consider making a recurring contribution to the Mercury to keep it comin'!)

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Gov. Brown held a press conference today in which she revealed a couple bits of (rare) good news: The feds will be upping Oregon's vaccine delivery by 20 percent, and seniors in the 80+ range can start getting vaccinated as soon as Monday—though hold your horses, Grampy! It may take a few weeks to get this entire group their doses, and the process will most likely be "chaotic." Our Alex Zielinski has the details.

• Another stand-out moment from today's press conference: Brown also said that Rep. Diego Hernandez—accused of sexually harassing workmates and creating a hostile work environment—should "resign immediately." (Preferably before the legislature throws him out, which looks more and more like a distinct possibility.)

• After months of the police firing dangerous, chemical tear gas at protesters and reporters, as well as into neighborhoods and schoolyards, Oregon state Rep. Janelle Bynum is introducing one of the strongest bills in the nation that would ban the cops from using it.

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• The Democrats, with a special guest appearance by tie-breaker Veep Kamala Harris, passed a budget resolution very early this morning that paves the way for a vote on Biden's $1.9 trillion COVID aid package. The budget resolution was then sent back to the House, was passed again (over the whines and objections of Republicans), and Dems will now finish drafting the aid package with an eye on quickly sealing the deal by the end of the month. AHHHHH, don't you love it when the obstructionists get obstructed?

• After getting booted off all committees, QAnon crackpot and enemy of all "Satanic pedophile lizard people" Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene gave a (surprise!) loony press conference in which she blamed everyone else for her self-inflicted woes and promised she would continue being a demented Republican lunatic. (Ummmm... how is this different from her fellow demented Republican lunatics?)

• Too bad, so sad: Blithering right-wing buffoon Lou Dobbs has been canceled by FOX News. (I really don't understand why people badmouth "cancel culture"... it's been working great for me!)

• Wheeeee! Good COVID news! Johnson & Johnson has filed for emergency approval for their one-dose'll-do-it COVID vaccine, which could bring us 100 million more doses by June.

• More good news: Busy Bee Biden has been busy today ramping up vaccine distribution for the states, enacting the Defense Production Act to produce rapid tests and surgical gloves, sending 1,100 troops to assist at vaccination sites, and helping make sure that vaccine producers (like Pfizer and Moderna) have the equipment they need to keep pumping out doses. (For the sake of comparison, a month ago President Trump was helping stop the national pandemic by encouraging a bunch of toothless yahoos to invade the Capitol. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Different strokes!)

• Hey... need a pillow? Well even if you don't, consider buying one from Parkland school shooting survivor/activist David Hogg who is starting his own pillow company to run that shithead, election-lie-spewing "MyPillow" guy, Mike Lindell, out of business!

• For all of those out there with a boring podcast (or fear that their podcast is boring, which it probably is), former Veep Mike Pence is riding to the rescue by launching the most fucking BORING podcast on the planet. ("You're welcome," he says.)

• In a hilarious turn of events, according to a recent poll, President Biden is more popular in Texas than Republican Texas Gov. Greg Abbott! Saaaad trommmboooone (with a Texas twang).

• R.I.P. to the great actor and co-star of the Sound of Music and so many other great films, Christopher Plummer, who has died at the age of 91.

• Oh, and also R.I.P. to some older person in your life who will possibly die within a month or so because you couldn't resist going to some fucking stupid Super Bowl party. Send them my condolences... in advance.

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• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! The HUMP! 2021 Film Festival is NOW STREAMING ONLINE, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets pronto!

• And now... THE WEATHER REPORT: Just a slight chance of showers this weekend with highs around 48!

• And finally, here are the only correct answers to the question, "The Super Bowl is this weekend... who's playing?"