Capitol police warn of a second attack from right-wing domestic terrorists.
Capitol police warn of a second attack from right-wing domestic terrorists. Tasos Katopodis / Getty News

Here's your daily roundup of all the latest local and national news. (Like our coverage? Please consider making a recurring contribution to the Mercury to keep it comin'!)

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Today in useless, crybaby Republicanism: Shortly after Gov. Kate Brown extended Oregon's state of emergency orders to May 2—because, hello, PEOPLE ARE STILL DYING—Republicans refused to show up to work (FOR THE THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR), thereby grinding the legislature to a halt. However they did send a letter demanding that the Governor immediately reopen all schools to in-person learning... something that's decided by individual school districts, not Brown. To paraphrase Dean Wormer from Animal House, "Stupid and lazy is no way to go through life."

• Thanks to a quirky Oregon law, around 877,000 of us can expect to pay higher taxes on the stimulus checks we received last year. Of course, problems like that could be easily fixed by the state legislature, if obstructionist, crybaby Republicans would stick around and do the job voters pay them for.

• Speaking of being right on brand: Tusitala “Tiny” Toese—the Proud Boy and Patriot Prayer follower who was convicted of assault for attacking Portland protesters—has apparently been appointed as the "sergeant-at-arms" to protect meetings of the Clark County Republican Party.

• More trouble for local seniors trying to sign up for appointments at one of the mass coronavirus vaccine sites, as the booking website continues to crash, work slowly, or in some cases not at all.

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• GOOD NEWS for my fellow LGBTQ peeps: The House of Representatives has successfully passed the Equality Act, which prohibits discrimination against sexual orientation or gender identity in such areas as housing, jobs, education, public accommodations, and more! Now it goes to the Senate where it will need at least 60 votes in order to avoid a filibuster—unless, you know, Democrats rightly decide to nuke the filibuster off the face of the earth.

• Meanwhile, Republican Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene—Queen of Q-Anon and Adversary of the Pedophilic Lizard People—hung an utterly stupid and offensive transphobic sign outside her office to mock the daughter of a Democratic representative. (Maybe she should stick to antagonizing the makers of space lasers that start wildfires?)

• Very much related: Former (and disgraced!) President Trump will be speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) this weekend where the theme is expected to be "Voter Fraud in the Time of Deep-State Satan-Worshipping Pedophile Cannibals." (Can't wait to see the T-shirt for that!)

• The Capitol Police are maintaining tight security around the building following the attacks of January 6, noting that according to intelligence, right-wing domestic terrorists "have stated their desires that they want to blow up the Capitol and kill as many members as possible" during the next State of the Union. The terrorists also thanked Republicans for all their encouraging words.

• Meanwhile, after a year-and-a-half long battle, the Manhattan district attorney's office FINALLY has all of Trump's tax forms in their actual hands... which means it'll be roughly six-to-eight more months until Trump is fitted for his prison uniform.

• Hours after a former U.S. Olympics gymnastics coach was charged with two dozen crimes, including sexual assault and human trafficking, he was found dead at a Michigan rest stop after apparently committing suicide.

• In news from Hollyweird: Lady Gaga's dogwalker was shot but is expected to survive after being attacked by an assailant who stole two of the singer's French bulldogs.

• Get ready to party HARD in the third installment of the Mercury Music Series, with a livestream concert from super fun Portland rapper/singer/producer FOUNTAINE, coming at ya on March 11! Snap up those tix, babies!

• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! The HUMP! 2021 Film Festival is NOW STREAMING ONLINE, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets pronto!

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• And now... THE WEATHER REPORT: Scattered showers tomorrow with a high around 48.

• And finally, I need dinner. Where can I buy one of these babies?