Outside group to investigate Portland police for political bias (✓), racial bias (√√), and if theyre resistant to change (√√√√).
Outside group to investigate Portland police for political bias (✓), racial bias (√√), and if they're resistant to change (√√√√). Mathieu Lewis-Rolland

Here's your daily roundup of all the latest local and national news. (Like our coverage? Please consider making a recurring contribution to the Mercury to keep it comin'!)

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• The city is paying $150,000 to an outside firm to investigate what the rest of us pretty much already know as fact: finding out whether the Portland Police is influenced by racial bias [CHECK!], whether they are motivated by political bias [MOST ASSUREDLY!], and... this is the best one... whether they are resistant to change. [HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA, WHAT DO YOU THINK?]

• The Portland City Council and Mayor Ted Wheeler reached a compromise yesterday and unanimously voted to pass a $6 million gun violence plan, one that would take a more community-driven approach, while also bringing back a dedicated team of cops—a kind-of "Gun Violence Reduction Team Lite," but with additional accountability and without putting more money in their pockets. (The police didn't like that last part very much.) Our Alex Zielinski has all the details!

• Good news for local music and performance venues! The application process for the Shuttered Venue Operators Grant—that will split up $16 billion to help small performance spaces crushed by the pandemic—starts today!

• Get ready to celebrate: The Mercury's PIZZA WEEK is back, bay-beee! Check out the 30 locations where you can get inventive, delicious slices for only $2—and it's all coming at you April 19-25!

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• While saying very clearly that these measures are not nearly enough, President Biden released his first slate of gun control mandates that include getting rid of "ghost guns"—handmade firearms without serial numbers—and making it easier to flag family members who shouldn't own guns. (Can I nominate everyone in my extended family?) He's also called for a ban on assault weapons and high capacity magazines. (That sound you hear are your neighborhood cowards running to the gun shop.)

• Aaaand right on cue, yet ANOTHER mass shooting occurred today in Bryan, Texas, where several people were injured and the suspect is still at large.

• Today in the Derek Chauvin murder trial, medical experts took the stand to reiterate what everyone except the defense seems to understand: George Floyd died of asphyxiation from Chauvin kneeling on his neck for nearly nine-and-a-half minutes, rather than the result of any health issues or drug use.

• Democratic Sen. Joe Manchin—who has apparently been fast asleep during the last 12 years of Republican bullying and self-serving obstruction—says there is no way and no how that he's going to vote to get rid of or weaken the filibuster, an act that would forward the Dem's progressive agenda and more importantly, serve the people he's supposed to represent.

• The pal of creepy-creep Rep. Matt Gaetz and wildly corrupt former Florida tax collector, Joel Greenburg, is expected to plead guilty to charges of sex trafficking and wire fraud—aaaaaand who wants to bet that he'll happily flip on Gaetz to shave years off his prison time? (Hee, hee, heeeeeee.)

• Oh, and speaking of "Florida Men": "General counsel for Florida Elections Commission arrested for possession of child porn."

• RIP to Anne Beatts, one of the original comedy writers on SNL (and created the '80s sitcom Square Pegs!), who has died at the age of 74.

• Also RIP:

• Live comedy is BACK, and the Rose City Rollers and the Mercury are presenting a live OUTDOOR comedy event with an awesome lineup of hilarious local and nationally recognized comedians! It's coming at ya April 22, 23, and 24, so get your tickets pronto!

• HELLO, STONERS! You will be pleased to know that SPLIFF—the short flick film festival about cannabis and all things "stoned"—is kicking off April 16-24 and you can get your tickets NOW. (So hurry up before you forget... because you know you will.)

• And now... THE WEATHER REPORT: A pretty freaking gorgeous day tomorrow with a high of 60!

• And finally... "I reject your antiquated notions of how a dog should or should not swim! Also, woof!"