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Good morning. Im here to report that I am now officially in deep shit.
"Good morning. I'm here to report that I am now officially in deep shit." Handout / Getty News

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Sending you forget me nots to help me to remember. Baby, please forget me not. I want you to remember. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Starting today, 15 Oregon counties move back to the "extreme risk" category due to a worrying spike in COVID-19 cases and hospitalizations. What does that mean for you? Our Blair Stenvick breaks it all down.

• Mayor Ted Wheeler has found time in his busy schedule of fretting about broken windows to release a proposed city budget for the coming year. But before you nod off to sleep, this shit is actually important and YOU can influence where this money goes (not to cops, right?). Our Alex Zielinski has done the heavy lifting of digging deep into the budget and deftly explaining it all to dummies like me. CHECK IT OUT!

• Beloved former Portland comedian Mohanad Elshieky—who two years ago was yanked off a bus and harassed by Customs and Border Patrol—has been granted a settlement of $35,000 from the feds, saying “I’ll never forget the harassment and humiliation by the officers when it was clear I belonged in the United States."

• Two heavy hitters, Oregon Attorney General Ellen Rosenblum and Multnomah County District Attorney Mike Schmidt, are teaming up to broaden the investigation into the police shooting death of Robert Delgado, a houseless man whose friends say suffered from mental illness. It's notable because this is the first time in two decades that such a partnership of prosecutors has occurred. Our Alex Zielinski has more!

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• Here's a fun way to start a day, with more VOTER SUPPRESSION: Florida legislators joined butt-hurt Republicans across the nation in passing a measure to make it substantially more difficult for millions—particularly people of color—to vote in the state.

• Speaking of corrupt Floridians: In a confession letter obtained by the Daily Beast, Joel Greenberg—the creepy pal of creepy creep Republican Rep. Matt Gaetz—writes that he and Gaetz paid for sex from multiple women including (you knew it was coming) a minor who was 17 at the time. Check, please!

• The FBI reportedly warned Trump ally and pants-tugger Rudy Giuliani that Russia was going to try to use him to thwart the Biden campaign in the 2020 election. Giuliani responded "good to know!" and promptly left the country to meet with "an active Russian agent."

• According to the White House, the number of unaccompanied minors being held at southern border facilities has dropped 84 percent in one month, largely due to faster processing time.

• An estimated 44 people were killed and 150 injured during a horrifying stampede at a religious festival in Northern Israel, where row upon row of participants were knocked down and then died of suffocation.

• According to a new CNN poll, roughly 25 percent of Americans are refusing to get the COVID vaccine, but are very much ready to reenter society, spreading the virus far and wide. Unsurprisingly, the majority of that 25 percent are Republican men and *checks notes* "assholes."

• Looks like legal trouble for Trump's son-in-law Jared "JARED!" Kushner after a judge ruled that an apartment company he co-owns is guilty of screwing over residents by charging illegal fees and repeatedly violating consumer protection laws. It's almost like corruption runs in the family!

• THIS JUST IN: You're ready to have sex again.

• Need some guaranteed laughs? Then don't miss the I, Anonymous Show (Livestream edition) featuring nutzo rants and hilarious commentary from comedians Neeraj Srinivasan, Sam Tallent, Steph Tolev, and your host Kate Murphy—coming at ya Wednesday, May 5! (Act now for a FREE ticket option!)

Support The Portland Mercury

• HUMP! HUMP! HUMP! If you enjoy sexy stuff (and I know you do), get your tickets NOW for HUMP's Greatest Hits, Volume 3—debuting TONIGHT—and featuring some of the best short sex flicks from 15 years of HUMP! HUMP! HUMP!

• And now... THE WEATHER REPORT: Scattered showers return today with a high of 62.

• And finally, Harrison Ford responds to witchcraft in EXACTLY the same way I would.