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Trump remains banned from Facebook, while other Republicans are still allowed to spread his lies.
Trump remains banned from Facebook, while other Republicans are still allowed to spread his lies. Chip Somodevilla / Staff / Getty

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! So even if the world falls down today, you've still got me to hold you up, up, and I will never let you down, down. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Here's some good news: COVID-19 related hospitalizations in much of the state have fallen just short of the metric used to put many counties in the "high risk" category, which means that as of this Friday, Gov. Kate Brown is moving nearly half of the state's counties—including Multnomah—back to "high risk." Indoor dining will return to 25 percent capacity and more people will be allowed into gyms, museums, and more.

• More good news (unless you're a humanity-loathing Republican): Oregon State University will be the first public university in the state to require all students and employees to be fully vaccinated if they're going to be on campus. A few private schools have already made the move.

• After a lot of unwelcome and EXTREMELY ANNOYING bellyaching from some sports fans who prioritized their love of throwing/kicking a ball around over public health (hell yeah, I said it), a limited number of fans will now be able to attend the Portland Timbers and Thorns games this weekend, and it's expected that the Blazers will be allowed to welcome back some in-person spectators as well. Hurrah, I guess!

• A cop in Bend, Oregon is under investigation after he was caught displaying anti-government and gun rights slogans in his social media, and at least in one case, on the job.

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• Sad news for pathological liar/Democracy destroying ex-presidents: Facebook's oversight board has ruled that the company was right to ban Donald Trump from the site, and he will remain banned at least for now. (No ruling was made on why Facebook didn't ban him much, much sooner.)

• Congressional Republicans continue to hilariously spend all their time chewing at each others' buttholes rather than legislate—this time ganging up on Republican Rep. Liz Cheney for (grasp your pearls) insisting that the 2020 election was not stolen, and refusing to downplay the January 6 domestic terrorist attack on the Capitol.

• More bad news for Trump enablers: A federal judge has ruled that a secret DOJ memo must be publicly released in which then-AG Bill Barr and Trump administration lawyers concocted warped reasoning on why the president should not be charged by the Mueller probe.

• Peloton—a fave of quarantined exercisers—has reversed their course and are voluntarily recalling all of their treadmills after 39 children were injured and one died while using the devices.

• According to the company's CEO, the Pfizer vaccine is currently being tested on children ages 2 to 11 years old, and the results should be made public by September.

• Headline of the day (thus far): "This Japanese town was awarded $7.1m for Covid relief. So they bought a giant squid."

• Need some guaranteed laughs? Then don't miss the I, Anonymous Show (Livestream edition) featuring nutzo rants and hilarious commentary from comedians Neeraj Srinivasan, Sam Tallent, Steph Tolev, and your host Kate Murphy—coming at ya TONIGHT Wednesday, May 5! (Act now for a FREE ticket option!)

Support The Portland Mercury

• HUMP! HUMP! HUMP! If you enjoy sexy stuff (and I know you do), get your tickets NOW for HUMP's Greatest Hits, Volume 3—THIS WEEKEND—featuring some of the best short sex flicks from 15 years of HUMP! HUMP! HUMP!

• And now... THE WEATHER REPORT: Expect a partly sunny day with a high of 82, before the rain returns on Thursday and Friday.

• And finally, okay... where do I sign up for this yard sign?