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Something you should have done a long time ago.
Something you should have done a long time ago. SEAN GLADWELL / Getty images

Good morning, Portland! If you've missed live stand-up comedy, I've got just the thing for you.

Here are the headlines.

• Two days ago, Portlander Corey Weston Cox experienced a strange encounter with the Portland Police Bureau (PPB): Police were gathered outside Cox's home, pointing their guns at a car where two men sat, seemingly unconscious. Rather than trying to help the men themselves, the cops goaded Cox into doing it for them—so he did. But of course, PPB remembers events a little differently, so good thing Cox's roommate caught the whole thing on video!

• Yesterday, the US House voted in favor of starting an independent commission to investigate the attack on the US Capitol on January 6. The bill had the backing of the Democrats, as well as 35 Republicans, which makes it shockingly bipartisan by today's standards. It now heads to the Senate for a vote, and Mitch McConnell is likely to oppose it.

• Disgusting:

• In more disturbing news out of Texas, last night the state executed Death Row inmate Quintin Jones—Texas' first execution in ten months. But in what may be a violation of state law, the Texas Department of Criminal Justice failed to alert the media beforehand so as to have media witnesses present at the execution. Texas has executed 570 people since 1982, and Jones' is the first to not have a media witness present.

• Scientists are beginning to worry that the world will have a new coronavirus every 10 years—and a new, infectious virus is appearing in Malaysia already. The virus is spreading from dogs to humans.

• Turns out that paying a workers a living wage won't prompt the collapse of our economy after all!

• Have you been following this week's Flamin' Hot Cheetos drama? Basically, there's a film currently in production about the man who claims to have invented the dangerously habit-forming snack—but Frito-Lay begs to differ. You can get caught up on all of it here.

• Here's some big-fat-bummer news: As the pandemic wanes, Oregonians receiving unemployment checks will be required to actively look for work in order to keep those benefits. This is a return to pre-pandemic policy. While it might sound like common sense at first blush, consider that we live in a society where the minimum wage does not keep up with the cost of living, and we don't always provide people with support they need—like childcare or reliable transportation—to juggle a job in their lives.

• In case you missed it yesterday: A recent decision by the US Supreme Court has left the fate of hundreds of incarcerated Oregonians, who were convicted under an unconstitutional split-jury policy, in the hands of Oregon Attorney General Ellen Rosenblum.

• I don't know why I give a shit about the royal family, but I must admit that I do. Here's this, for everyone else in the same boat:

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• And finally, let's all celebrate this Headline of the Day, courtesy of Buzzfeed: "Jeans And Bras Are Over. We Live In A Sweatpants World Now."