CDC to Portlanders: Stop your chicken snuggling.
CDC to Portlanders: "Stop your chicken snuggling." deepblue4you / iStock / Getty Images

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IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Following that disastrous report about workplace toxicity at Portland's Office of Community & Civic Life—in which the former leader was actually paid a year's salary to leave—Commish Jo Ann Hardesty has announced an interim director for the bureau, Michael Montoya, the bureau’s current strategy, innovation, and performance manager. Montoya says he is accepting the temporary job with "somber enthusiasm." (I love that phrase, but I also love “enthusiastic dread.” Good luck, Michael!)

• Don't you hate it when cops CONSTANTLY bitch and complain about needing more money for their riot gear, but when it comes to helping two unconscious men in a car, they ask the neighbors to do it? ME, TOO! Our Alex Zielinski has more.

• Speaking of complaining, here's an Oregonian headline: "Oregon pleases almost no one with new mask guidance for businesses." (By the way, the phrase "pleases no one," is actually referring to the "state’s largest business organizations"—because that's whose opinions really count, right?)

• Here's a much better story on the same subject from OPB.

• Your intestines demand salad. But the pandemic hit the brakes on salad bars. OR HAS IT? Our Suzette Smith may have found the takeout salad you've been hoping for in the latest edition of "Takeout Club!"

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• Good news: Israel and Hamas have agreed to a cease fire starting tomorrow... but only after some strong arming from the US, and hundreds were left dead—almost exclusively Palestinians and far too many children.

• Busy Bee Biden signed the Democrats' anti-Asian hate crime legislation into law today which is definitely a cause for celebration... although there's this from the same article: "Some Asian American and and LGBTQ groups have raised concerns about the bill, cautioning that it does little to address the causes of anti-Asian bias and relies too heavily on law enforcement and crime statistics to prevent violence."

• The new CRIMINAL investigation into the Trump Organization launched by the New York Attorney General is currently focusing on Don's pal and Chief Financial Officer Allen Weisselberg and his personal taxes, which is not great news for Florida's most infamous retiree if Weisselberg decides to flip.

• An independent investigation has concluded that in 1995 BBC reporter Martin Bashir used fake documents and “deceitful behavior” to land his famous interview with the late Princess Diana, basically "grooming" her with fake information.

• Speaking of icky journalistic practices, CNN's Chris Cuomo is being righteously dragged for advising his brother Andrew Cuomo on how to respond to the governor's several sexual harassment allegations. EW!

• Of particular interest to Portlanders: "'Don't kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,' CDC warns in salmonella alert."

• You want to look GOOD, true or false? If "true," you'll want to purchase a new, wicked awesome Mercury T-shirt... just in time for tee season!

Support The Portland Mercury

• HUMP! HUMP! HUMP! If you enjoy sexy stuff (and I know you do), get your tickets NOW for HUMP's Greatest Hits, Volume 3—THIS WEEKEND—featuring some of the best short sex flicks from 15 years of HUMP! HUMP! HUMP!

• And now... THE WEATHER REPORT: Partly cloudy tomorrow with a high of 68. But a delightfully sunny Saturday is on the horizon!

• And finally, me, going into Friday like....