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Dear butthole neighbor: Not sure if you heard but theres a FIREWORKS BAN throughout Multnomah County!
Dear butthole neighbor: Not sure if you heard but there's a FIREWORKS BAN throughout Multnomah County! Karl-Friedrich Hohl / iStock / Getty Images Plus

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Thief in the night, you took my heart. Now danger's in sight, 'cause I can't help the way that I feel. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

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IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Following on the heels of Mayor Wheeler's fireworks ban in the city of Portland, Multnomah County has also announced there will be no sales or use of fireworks in the unincorporated areas of the county for the next 30 days. This will hopefully deter buttholes from scooting out of the city to blow up things in areas where the fire danger is even greater. DON'T BE A BUTTHOLE. Save fireworks for New Years Eve if it's that important to you! (Our Isabella Garcia has more.)

• Last weekend's heatwave is proving to be far deadlier than predicted, and has so far brought about the tragic deaths of at least 53 people in Multnomah County, and at least 79 people across the state—and those numbers are expected to rise.

• In case you're unfamiliar, Clean & Safe is the clean-up and (partially armed!) security squad that patrols 213 blocks of downtown Portland, but is paid for by local businesses—some of whom are not happy with the lack of transparency being offered by their overseers, the Portland Business Alliance, and what Clean & Safe is doing on public property with virtually no oversight. Our Isabella Garcia sat in on a Clean & Safe listening sesh with local businesses and has all the juicy details.

• Yesterday the Portland city council unanimously approved an ordinance that would allow for six sanctioned outdoor shelters (dubbed "safe rest villages") for the houseless, to be built by the end of the year in areas that are yet to be determined. They also approved Commish Dan Ryan's plan to "de-prioritize" the sweeping of homeless camps that aren't near city parks, schools, residential/commercial buildings and more. In other words, they'll probably end up still sweeping most of them, and well before these new "safe rest villages" are built.

• Oregon has about two months to process roughly 15,000 applications for rental assistance before the eviction moratorium expires, but things are currently not looking good.

• Idaho candidate for governor and low-key domestic terrorist Ammon Bundy (of the Malheur Refuge takeover) has been tried and convicted for trespassing when he refused to leave the state capitol building on August 25, 2020. He was sentenced to three days in jail, 48 hours community service, and a $750 fine.

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• In Afghanistan, the US military have turned over the keys Bagram Airfield, (un)officially ending our very unnecessary 20 year war spurred on by false information from the Bush administration following 9/11.

• The Trump Organization and its CFO Allen Weisselberg have been charged with committing a “sweeping and audacious” 15-year tax fraud scheme in which the executive allegedly stole more than $1.7 million in compensation that was off-the-books and not reported, thereby defrauding the federal government. Trump himself has not been charged (yet!), but apparently signed some of the checks. Weisselberg has pleaded "not guilty" to the charges... but there's plenty of time left for him to flip on his dark lord and master.

• In a desperate attempt to avoid a subpoena, the now-a-private-citizen Trump says he is willing to turn over some of his personal financial documents to Congress, who have been asking for the damn things since 2019.

• The very sketchy Supreme Court, after gutting voting rights yesterday, have now refused to weigh in a case in which a Washington state florist says she is perfectly within her right to deny service to gay people. By ignoring her ignorant ranting, the lower court verdict against her stands.

• American employers filled an additional 850,000 jobs in June, signaling that the economy is slowly but surely coming back online. PERSONAL PLEA: As you're flooding back into local restaurants during the coming weeks (and good for you), please BE PATIENT. These restaurants have had a hell of time filling positions as the pandemic has been easing, and so it'll take them awhile to get back to their former, glorious strength. Be "that empathetic person," not "that a-hole customer."

• More than 84,000 people who say they were sexually abused by those in the Boy Scouts organization have reached a settlement and will be awarded $850 million—the largest such payout of its kind.

• Today in "OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE": US track and field star Sha'Carri Richardson has been suspended for one month for the US Olympic team after testing positive for THC in her system. (Ummm... I've never been under the impression that cannabis makes one run faster—unless it's to the snack cabinet?)

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• And now... THE WEATHER REPORT: Cloudy this morning with daytime temps climbing to 85 degrees.

• And finally, think twice about asking God for anything.