Timeline cleanser: The Flanders pedestrian crossing has been renamed after a certain character from the Simpsons.
Timeline cleanser: The Flanders pedestrian crossing has been renamed after a certain character from the Simpsons. Courtesy PBOT

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IN LOCAL NEWS:

• "The state has tied our hands," said Multnomah County Chair Deborah Kafoury upon learning that the county's vaccine mandate will not apply to the employees in the Multnomah County Sheriffs Office as well as parole and probation officers. The city made a similar announcement yesterday... but Kafoury says she still has some tricks up her sleeve. Find out more in this report from our Alex Zielinski.

• Portland callers hoping for help from 911 operators are often left hanging on the line for up to 7.5 minutes on average, according to a new report. By comparison the national wait time for 911 to answer is 15 to 20 seconds. THAT. IS. NOT. GOOD.

• The Milwaukie man who was filmed firing a gun downtown near a left-wing protest that narrowly missed passersby has practically been let off the hook, sentenced only to probation and 80 hours of community service. Man, the city sure is SERIOUS about gun violence!

• In a fun turn of events that's very "on brand" Portland, Transportation Commish Jo Ann Hardesty unveiled the new name of the Flanders Crossing Bridge (originally named after some old-timey white dude who did nothing but make himself money) that will now be referred to as the Ned Flanders Crossing (based on the character from The Simpsons, who himself was named after the crossing which was close to where creator Matt Groening grew up!) And with that, the universe closed in on itself and imploded.

• A Vancouver man has been sentenced to 20 years in prison for the murder of transgender teen Nikki Kuhnhausen, after attempting to claim he committed the hate crime as an act of self-defense. To find out more about who Nikki was as a person, don't miss this reporting from our Blair Stenvick.

• The documentary Hood River, a profile of a small Oregon town’s high school soccer team, also tackles socioeconomic and immigration issues as well, while centering the young players. Chase Hutchinson talks with the directors to find out more about what makes this doc so affecting.

• Get your thinking brain on... it's time once again for the newest edition of Portland's funnest quiz, POP QUIZ PDX!

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• GOOD NEWS (though I know some of you may not agree): President Biden has announced sweeping new vaccine requirements, ordering all federal employees to get vaccinated, while also preparing to require private sector employers, who have more than 100 workers, to order their employees to get COVID-19 vaccinations or be tested for the virus weekly. This is expected to affect as many as 100 million Americans—particularly those who don't give a shit whether the rest of us live or die. Time's up, Bozos. (Unless you have a valid medical reason for not being vaccinated. You're not a Bozo.)

• And the (justified, and long-awaited) crackdown continues: "DHS to increase fines for mask violations in airports, on planes."

• MORE GOOD NEWS (unless you are an anti-abortion freak): The Department of Justice is suing the state of Texas for their clearly unconstitutional anti-abortion laws that the Supreme Court failed to swat down.

• Congrats to actor Jennifer Lawrence who announced she is pregnant with her first child.

• Hey Savage Love fans! Get your tix now to see Dan Savage live and in-person on October 2 for a reading of his newest book, Savage Love from A to Z, an illustrated collection of 26 never-before-published essays! (Plus, paid attendees get their own copy of the book!)

Support The Portland Mercury

• Alert! We've combined three of our world-famous film festivals into one, big, sexy, stoney, scary, movie showcase called the Mercury Movie Mashup! It's the best of the best from SPLIFF (our stoner film fest), SLAY (our horror film fest), and HUMP! (the little porn festival that started it all!), featuring all the blood, sex, and weed you can handle in a show at the Clinton Street Theater THIS WEEKEND—go get those tix now!

• And now... THE WEATHER REPORT: A cooler cloudy day tomorrow with a high of 75.

• And finally, if anyone makes a better TikTok video than this anytime in the future, PLEASE LET ME KNOW.