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Sarah Palin: Oh, hi! Just stopped by to give everyone COVID.
Sarah Palin: "Oh, hi! Just stopped by to give everyone COVID." Chip Somodevilla / Staff / Getty

Hi, everyone! Can you believe it's still January?! Wow!!! They should not put the longest month right at the top of the year. Years should start more gently. Watch for my forthcoming petition on trading January for February, or possibly even April.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Today in "whoa, that wasn't already a rule??" TriMet announced that it would permanently ban any rider who spits at a bus driver. A TriMet spokesperson also shared that there were reports of around 300 attacks of bus drivers in 2021. Shame on you, Portland! We're supposed to be the place that dramatically thanks every bus driver upon exiting a bus!

• Last night's crazy winds got a barge stuck on the Columbia River just north of Portland near Fairview. Since no injuries were reported I feel okay gleefully thinking back on when that one ship got stuck in the Suez canal and the world was briefly united. This barge wasn't that ship, but still.

• I'm going to copy this whole headline because it's a journey: Oregon’s weekly COVID-19 report shows slight decrease in cases, significant increase in hospitalizations. Here is my impression of you reading that: :D :0 :(

• It's sunny outside and I know many people like that but the cold dry air really messes with my hair. I was raised in Oregon and my body need drizzle. Lucky for me, there's some splashies in our future.

IN NATIONAL NEWS

• Today President Biden pledged that his nominee to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer would be a Black woman. This is great primarily because it's fucking about time a Black woman had a seat on the highest court, but also because it makes all of the worst people mad.

• Today is Holocaust Remembrance Day, marking the 77th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz. There are a lot of amazing stories of love and resilience out there that would be a good use of anyone's time.

• The build-up of Russian troops along Ukraine's border continues, stressing many people out, including none other than Miss Britney Jean Spears who had to take time away from living her best life to reflect on the growing tension in the region.

• Unemployed Alaskan grifter Sarah Palin has been living it up and dining out across New York City, despite testing positive for COVID. Just how many hourly workers does she intend to expose to the virus? "All of them, Katie."

• REMINDER: It’s back for 2022! America’s sexiest, funnest dirty movie fest, HUMP! Coming at ya starting February 24 at Revolution Hall—GET YOUR TICKETS NOW!

• In closing, some food for thought: