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Ahoy there, oligarch! WE GOT YER YACHT.
"Ahoy there, oligarch! WE GOT YER YACHT." Filip Filipovic / Getty Images Europe

GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! How was your weekend? I spent mine researching lawnmowers, and puzzling over whether or not I should purchase this "Dua Lipa as Jesus" t-shirt. In the meantime, let's "dua" some NEWS!

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• The Portland Clean Energy Fund is a groundbreaking program designed to disrupt traditional bureaucracy and finally look at green energy projects through an equity lens. BUT! What happens when a non-traditional program like this runs headlong into old-timey expectations created for more traditional energy programs? Find out with this fascinating and important long-read from our Isabella Garcia.

• What were your folks (or grand-folks) up to in 1950? Now you can find out:

• More than 190 Alaska Airlines flights (including 24 flying into Portland) have been cancelled since Friday due to an ongoing pilot strike. The pilots are saying that the company insufficiently planned for a post-pandemic rush for flights, while also demanding better pay and stable work schedules.

• In response to the city's repeated homeless sweeps (that simply results in moving that particular situation to another location), the group People's Housing Project began constructing temporary shelters in Portland's Pearl District at the Park Blocks. As you can imagine, people had FEELINGS about that.

• It's time again for the latest hilarious edition of Elinor Jones' new gossip column, THE TRASH REPORT! This week: sea lions possessed by human souls, juicier Oscar news than "the slap," and flamingoes that witnessed the JFK assassination!

IN NATIONAL/INTERNATIONAL NEWS:

• President Biden has once again called Putin a "war criminal," and he certainly isn't wrong—especially when one looks at the satellite imagery that shows the horrifying carnage Russia has wrought upon a Kyiv suburb in which at least 300 dead civilians line the streets, "some with their hands bound, some with gunshot wounds to the head." Meanwhile, you hate to see it: "U.S. seizes mega yacht owned by oligarch with close ties to Putin." Wait... I love to see it.

• Sacramento police have announced they have arrested a suspect in the brutal mass shooting that killed six and wounded a dozen more on early Sunday morning. It's the third mass shooting of at least six people this year.

• The Senate committee charged with deciding the fate of Supreme Court nominee Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson is deliberating today (strictly along party lines, 'natch), and the final vote could come to the Senate floor later this week.

• After repeated criticisms of Twitter, billionaire Elon Musk is now the proud owner of 9 percent of the social media platform to become its largest shareholder. What could possibly go wrong?

• To the disappointment of no one (except festival organizers), abusive butthole Kanye West has pulled out of Coachella just a few days before it was set to begin, sending management into a scrambling frenzy for a replacement. Two words, Coachella organizers: DUA. LIPA.

• NYC beats Florida... as usual.

• AHOY THERE, STONERS! The SPLIFF Film Festival—featuring short, hilarious, trippy, and thoughtful mini-movies about cannabis and made by stoners just like YOU—is coming to Revolution Hall for one night only on Saturday, April 16! GET THOSE TICKETS NOW! (And btw, you can still stream the very sexy 2022 edition of HUMP all through the month of April!)

• And finally, for those of you detecting notes of "hot dog" in your wine... well, you're not wrong!

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